Sen Blather: conspiracy theory should be illegal

For immediate release
September 20, 2010

Contact: Senator Blather's Office
Phone: 666.367.7286

Statement of Senator Billy Jo Blather, U.S. Senate Permanent Subcommittee on Promotion of the Work Ethic, Conspiracy Theory as a Threat to the Hard Working Minority

Link to hearing exhibits [PDF 666 MB]

Link to Permanent Subcommittee on Promotion of the Work Ethic hearing page with list of witnesses and links to witness testimony

Th' brilliant professo' Dr. Hunstein has co'reckly stated, thet th' current president of th' nashun, sh'd be given th' right t'arress them who accuse th' president's friends, of bein' members of criminal groups. Eff'n th' brilliant professo' Hunstein succeeds in his admirable crusade, by law, varmints will be obligated t'state thet th' president's friends is not members of criminal groups. Yet on account o' we believe deeply in th' consteetooshun of th' foun'in' fathers, it will still be OK t'say thet a friend of th' president is a criminal but not a member of a criminal group. On account o' sayin' a friend of th' prez is a crook but not a member of a criminal group, is not cornspiracy theo'y.

Fust off, yo' hafta unnerstan' th' legal definishun of cornspiracy: " an agreement between two o' mo'e varmints t'commit an ack prohibited by law o' t'commit a lawful ack by means prohibited by law".

We is trimenjus big-time players. When we bend th' rules, Ah mean when we does thin's thet varmints say is a bendin' of th' rules, we operate in trimenjus groups. Our groups thet does thin's thet look like bendin' th' rules, is composed of thousan's of members of th' hard-wawkin' mino'ity. Th' hard wawkin' mino'ity has t'band togither in groups, on account o' they is outnumbered by th' lazy as a houn'dog majority. Our trimenjus groups of thousan's of hard-warkin' folks, through whut th' liberals call bendin' th' rules, make millions an' billions of dollars. Our groups is loyal members of th' high-income high-wealth hard-warkin' minority group.

By way of corntrast, th' low-income criminals operate on their own, as indivijools. Their crimes junerate li'l money compared t'th' money junerated by our groups of allegedly rule-bendin' members of th' hard-warkin' mino'ity. They is an example of a lack of th' teamwawk rightly praised by th' admirable hard-wawkin' famous football coach Lou 'Trimenjus-stud' Holez. These indivijool crooks wawkin' by themselves is members of groups thet habitually align themselves wif th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity's attempps t'steal fum th' hard-wawkin' mino'ity.

Thus th' president havin' th' right t'eleckrocute them who claim thet th' president's friends is members of criminal groups, will in th' end prodooce a fine outcome fo' th' hard-wawkin' mino'ity.

Ah knows thet varmints like Hobbs say thin's like, an' ah quote: "but what happens if a new election brings in a president who is cruel and evil, and this president decides to arrest those who claim that his cruel and evil friends are members of criminal groups?"

Wal, th' fack is thet in a society whar th' majo'ity is lazy as a houn'dog, th' noble defenners of th' rights of th' hard-warkin' minority is of course derided as "cruel an' evil".

Fack is thet we is nowadays always winnin', an' thar is li'l chance thet a president who represents th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity will occupy th' white house. Eff'n a lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity president occupies th' White House, his friends will be lazy as a houn'dog-majo'ity type petty criminals who operate on their own as indivijools an' knows nothin' of teamwawk. Hence, eff'n th' hypothetical improbable situashun featurin' a president representin' th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity evah develops, we will be able t'mount effeckive attacks on th' president's friends wifout accusin' them of bein' members of criminal groups. Fo' example, we c'd accuse them of secretly gowin' out at night t'give cash t'lazy as a houn'dog varmints.

@2010 David Virgil Hobbs

God is a code word for liberalism, avoid Churches that preach God--Senator Blather

INTERVIEW ARCHIVE
America's Dangerous Flirtation with 'God', a code-word for liberal redistributionism
Wednesday, March 03, 2010 Print Share This
DVH NEWS
This is a rush transcript from "Billy Jo Blather," March 12, 2010. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

SENATOR BILLY JO BLATHER, HOST: God is a code-wo'd fo' liberalism, redistribushunism, populism, progressivism, usin' govment t'fo'ce rich varmints t'share.

When Ah was in college, Ah had at least three liberal room-mates--thet was befo'e Ah split wif them-- who thunk thet whut God be hankerin' fo' is liberalism an' redistribushunism an' taxashun of rich varmints in th' wo'ld.

T'other day Ah did some icognito research, Ah put on sunglasses so nobody c'd reckanize me, an' went t'a unyversity whar Ah heard these populists, about a dozen of them, talkin' about how they believed thet whut God wanted, was govment fo'cin' rich varmints t'share th' wealth.

Ah put on a false musstache an' spied on a cocktail party--Ah mean made a cameo appeareence at a cocktail party-- pretendin' t'be mah buddy's outta town friend. Ah heard at least ha'f a dozen progressives at this hyar party, talk about how they believed in God, an' were into experiencin' God's Spirit.

Ah also knows of at least a dozen labo' union thugs who believe in God.

So yo've gotta unnerstan' thet God is a code-wo'd fo' liberalism, an' a soak-the-rich wif high taxes mentality, th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity decidin' t'have th' hard wawkin' mino'ity fo' dinner.

So eff'n yo' hear a Church start talkin' about God, exit thet church, helter-skelter as fast as yo' kin away fum it, an' find yo'seff a fine cornservative Church thet igno'es God.

@2010 David Virgil Hobbs

Blather, King in DVH roundtable re taxi service crisis

Transcript: Blather and King on 'DVH News Sunday'

Sunday, February 08, 2020
DVH NEWS

BLATHERVILLE, TX. — The following is a partial transcript of the Feb. 8, 2020, edition of "DVH News Sunday With David Virgil":

Copyright © 2010 DVH®. For personal, noncommercial use only. See Terms of Use. For other uses, prior permission required.

"DVH NEWS SUNDAY" HOST DAVID VIRGIL: This is DVH NEWS SUNDAY. I'm David Virgil. Today, on a special Roundtable, the taxi service crisis, Americans, ninety nine percent of whom are not allowed driver's licenses unable to afford taxi service, continues to make headlines. We're back live from the DVH-Bay on the campus of Blather College just outside Blatherville, Texas. Welcome to you all. welcome back, Sir Senator Blather and Sir Congressman King.

SENATOR BILLY JO BLATHER: Thank yo', David. Pleasure t' be back.

CONGRESSMAN CALVIN LUTHER KING: Dank ya' fo' havin' me.

DVH: Thankyou, Senator Blather, and thankyou, Senator King, for agreeing to this roundtable discussion. Our company would be in real financial trouble were we unable to obtain exclusive interviews with great men such as yourselves. Yet as you know, we at DVH are esteemed as being the most courageously and sharply anti-establishment group in the nation and I am going to ask you some tough questions nobody else has asked.

DVH: Years ago, in the United States anybody who could pass a driver's license exam, could drive a car. Therefore, Americans did not have this problem of being in need of taxi service and being unable to afford taxi service. So I am going to ask you the tough question that nobody else will ask. Why not go back to the old days, during which anybody who passed a driver's license exam could drive, which kept taxi service costs low, and which also made taxi service less necessary and less expensive?

Senator Blather: We is th' one's who is bein' courageous by agreein' t'be interviewed by yo' in th' fust place. Fack is, thet we now haf th' highess quality taxi service in th' wo'ld. Th' Amerikin taxi service provides th' hard wawkin' mino'ity wif taxi service thet is th' bess in th' wo'ld. Varmints fum all ovah th' wo'ld come t'America t'use Amerikin taxi service. Yo' sh'd see th' problems in th' fo'eign countries whar th' govment provides taxi service. (Loud Applause).

Congressman King: If ya' wuz not so's racist, ya' in yo' mind could look into de eyes uh de yung negro chick who lost ha' Big Daddy cuz' some honkyfool who had some driver's license ran upside ha' pops who wuz some top musician and also a supuh'star adlete and in de prime uh his yung brother life, and ya' would dink oderwise. (Applause). Dere used t'be too many accidents, so's we decided dat we had t'limit de numba' of driver's licenses t'one million. 'S coo', bro. Now de drivers is excellent drivers and dere is less accidents. Dese drivers is brilliant and hard wo'kin', as some matta' of fact, dey wo'k too many hours. Deir average income be only $400,000 puh' year, but still dey unselfishly manage t'contribute t'my political campaigns so's dat Ah' am able t'as yo' congressman, suppo't da damn war on terro', which be way mo'e impo'tant dan any damned taxi ride. Now our nashun spends way less bre'd on gas, and so's de Arab Muslim raghaids dont have any bre'd t'fund deir terro'ist invasions uh black Christian Africa and do ho'rible doodads. (Applause).

Senator Blather: Now days in o'der t'git through drivin' skoo, yo' hafta haf a junius IQ an' a photographic memo'y. These days yo' hafta spend four years in drivin' skoo t'git a license so drivahs larn how t'be extremely safe drivahs. True, drivin' skoo these days costs $652,000 but we haf high quality Drivin' Skoo professo's arnin' fine incomes an' corntributin' t'antiterro'ist political campaigns sech as mine, an' we haf top quality technology an' equipment in th' drivin' skoos. American drivahs is th' bess in th' wo'ld as a result of which we now haf th' wo'ld's bess taxi service system hyar in America, providin' th' highess quality taxi service in th' wo'ld. Comparin' th' drivahs of today t'them of yessuhterday, is like comparin' respeckable spo'ts superstars like Peyton Mannin' t'liberal bozos. (Applause).

Congressman King: We da damn guv'ment decide who kin be allowed t'run some Drivin' School, and we limit da damn numba' of drivin' schools. Thus we gots good Drivin' Schools dat contribute t'de war on terro', and da damn Drivin' schools dat we gots, is prospuh'ous enough t' contribute t'our political campaigns so's dat we kin prosecute da damn war on terro'. We fo'ce da damn Drivin' schools t'provide some quality educashun t'de drivers.

DVH: thankyou for providing such informative answers to my questions. When questions are well answered, they make you begin to realize that the question was kind of dumb in the first place.

DVH: So now I'll take a slant that is less weird and antiestablishment but that nevertheless is relatively incisive. Senator Blather, the American people are faced with the problem of being unable to afford taxis at twenty dollars a mile. Only two percent can afford to hire a cab so as to be able to move around transportation-wise the way they need to. 53% can afford a cab to the point where they can satisfy their transportation needs partially, but since they have to pay twenty dollars a mile this is a very heavy strain on their budget and they still are unable to fulfill their transportation needs. 45% cannot afford taxis at all. Please describe the clever plan you have formulated to deal with the problem.

Senator Blather: Fust of all, let me say thet as a proud believah in th' free market, we muss allow th' fo'ces of th' free market t'operate freely, we muss allow th' cab drivahs an' th' taxi compenny ownys t' engage in free market competishun aginst etch other, on account o' ev'rybody knows thet tax cuts, an' free market enterprise competishun, is fine fo' th' economah. (Applause). Tharfo'e it is of th' greatess impo'tance, thet taxi services be supplied by th' private secko' an' not th' govment. Govment is inefficient. We does not be hankerin' fo' govment t'be involved in providin' cab services o' taxi services. An' we does not be hankerin' t'exclude fo'eign taxi companies fum competin' in th' American taxi market on account o' we knows thet free trade is fine fo' us. Tariffs on fo'eign taxi service will jest lead t'retaliashun aginst American taxi service exporters who is fine anti-terro'ist folks. (Applause).

We hafta remember thet taxi service is a privilege, not a right. Ah believe in gittin' th' govment outta th' business of providin' taxi service t'Americans. As of now, th' govment is involved in programs like Taxicare an' Cabaid, which he'p Americans pay fo' taxi service. These programs is based on taxes thet burden th' hard wawkin' mino'ity, so thet members of th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity kin git a ride t'th' pickup game on th' neighbo'hood negro baxetball court, which is obviously completely ridiculous. (Applause). Th' govment taxes th' hard wawkin' mino'ity, an' then some obese bozo fum th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity, gits a free ride t'th' supermarket, when he c'd haf walked th' same distance in ten minutes. (Applause).

DVH: Congressman King, you take a different view on the subject. You believe that no American should be left without taxi service. You have spoken eloquently regarding how unfair it is, that some Americans are able to go wherever they want whenever they want in a taxi, while other Americans are never able to afford a taxi or go anywhere in a car. What are your plans?

Congressman King: Ah' have been suppo'tin' legislashun which gots'ta brin' taxi service t'every American so's dat no American gots'ta be left widout taxi service. Unda' my plan, All Americans gots'ta be required t'buy two dousand dollars uh taxi service puh' month, and no American gots'ta be allowed t'buy mo'e dan two dousand dollars uh taxi service puh' month, and da damn guv'ment gots'ta help dose who kinnot affo'd it t'affo'd it. Man! Thus de limited amount uh taxi service dat be available gots'ta be evenly distributed amongst da damn populashun. Such be justice. As Hobbs gots reminded us, it be easia' fo' some camel t'pass drough de eye uh a needle dan fo' some rich joker to enta' de kin'dom uh God.

Unda' my plan, de guv'ment gots'ta decide who be goin' to get more dan some dousand dollars in taxi service in some given month. Too much uh de taxicare money be spent on thin's dat produce only some small difference in de life of de taxicare recipient. Man! Thus as opposed t' guaranteein' dat da damn taxicare recipient gots'ta receive all de taxi service he needs, we is goin' t'make hard decisions regardin' who should get how much taxi service. Dis gots'ta cut da damn cost uh de Taxicare and Cabaid programs. It gots'ta also allow us t'punish dose who oppose da damn war on terro' by deprivin' dem uh taxi service.

Unda' my plan, de hard wo'kin' folks who kinnot affo'd taxi service and gots not been helped out by de Taxicare and Cabaid programs, gots'ta be required t'buy two thousan dollars of Taxi service each mond. De ones who kinnot affo'd to buy two thousan' uh taxi service puh' mond gots'ta be helped t' pay fo' it by de guv'ment.

DVH: Congressman King, Congressman Kucinich, recently impressed me by in just a few words pointing out what so many supposedly anti-establishment types had failed to make clear in tens of thousands of words, which is that there is a problem in requiring Americans to pay for taxi service when at the same time no limit is placed on taxi service costs and no public alternative is provided in terms of government providing an alternative public taxi service. What is your reaction?

Congressman Kin': Bein' 'esposed t'de honky folks in Wuzhin'ton DC gots made me some wisa' and some betta' man. (Applause). 'S coo', bro. Ah' have come on down to realize dat Senato' Blather is right about unleashin' de fo'ces uh de free market. (Applause). Man! We should not get into de business uh controllin' how 'espensive da damn service provided by taxi companies is. At da damn same time, I recon' we need some public alternative, guv'ment provided taxi service, t'keep down de cost uh taxi service.

Senator Blather: It is ridiculous t'deprive th' free man, of th' free trade right t'pay extry money fo' taxi service thet is of a superio' quality. Why sh'd th' taxi indestry be placed at an imbalance vis a vis th' food indestry, due t'limits placed on taxi-service prices while no limits is placed on food prices? Thet creates whut Hobbs has rightly called an unnatural inefficiency in th' economah featurin' unnatcherly high expenditure on taxi service, at a time when expenditure on gas fo' cabs is fundin' th' Muslim mideastern terro'ists. Th' natural greed of man, prodooces quality results an' makes society rich, as thet wonnerful Christian writer Ayn Rand has pointed out. (Applause). Eff'n we put limits on th' amount of profit Horatio Alger type entrepreneurs kin make by startin' taxi companies, th' result will be krappy taxi service at insanely high prices. (Applause). Its a lie thet Ayn Rand was an atheist Jew, Rand is clearly a Christian surname jest refer t' ancestry.com it's a great web service. Th' public taxi service advocated by Congressman King, will ind up simply bein' a waste of th' hard wawkin' mino'ity's hard arned money. (Applause).

Congressman King: And so's by de fo'ces uh compromise which is a wonderful quality uh de American political process, we gots our program uh requirin' citizens t' buy two dousand dollars uh taxi service puh' mond and helpin' de ones who kinnot affo'd it t'pay fo' it, combined wid no limits on taxi service prices. We should not lose sight uh how some natural free market high price fo' taxi service, which be produced by not limitin' de cost uh taxi service, gots'ta result in less bre'd bein' spent stealin' gasoline fum de Arab Muslim raghaid terro'ists.

Senator Blather: Wait wait, hold on a minute. Us conservative republicans is tougher on th' Arab Muslim raghaid terro'ists than th' liberal democrats like Congressman King. Wif mah plan, govment will be completely outta th' business of spendin' money providin' taxi service fo' citizens, an' less money will be spent on taxi service fo' citizens, so less money will hoof it to th' Muslim raghaid terro'ists buyin' gasoline fum them wif mah program, dawgone it. Fack is, thar is Muslim raghaid terro'ists in Iran who is not Arab an' congressman King did not knows thet which jest goes t' prove thet he is mighty unequipped t'deal wif th' dangerous terro'ist threat. Us cornservative republicans reckanize thet th' owners of th' taxi service companies might be financially blessed by a requirement thet Americans buy taxi service combined wif taxi companies bein' allowed t'operate in th' right free market type libertarian invironment. But sech financial blessin's are fine on account o' th' owners of these taxi service companies junerously corntribute t'mah campaigns fo' senato', an' courageous senato's like me, suppo't th' war on terro'. (Applause).


@2010 David Virgil Hobbs

false flag attacks favored by Senator Blather in DVH interview

DVH Interview: Senator Billy Jo Blather

Posted: October 1, 2009 0621 GMT
David Virgil BIO
DVH Anchor
David Virgil: Senator Blather, you have stated that you are in favor of the US government in the future resorting to false flag attacks in the US. False flag attacks involve basically a government attacking its own nation, so as to get the nation angry and involved in attacking the nation that allegedly committed the attack. Could you elaborate?
Senator Blather: We haf a problem in our country, which is thet th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity, be hankerin' t'pareesitize th' hard-wawkin' mino'ity. In o'der t'combat this hyar problem, we need t'be able t'do reso't t'extryjudicial black ops black budgit operashuns direcked aginst th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity. In o'der fo' sech operashuns t'succeed, we need t'create an atmosphar in which them who deman' thet th' truth be known an' thet th' ajunts who carry out th' black ops be punished, is ridiculed as crazy. A trimenjus fine o'ganized false-flag attack, will haf th' beneficial side-effeck of creatin' this hyar kind of invironment, an invironment in which them who believe o' at least meekly accepp th' disinfo'mashun we prodooce regardin' th' false flag attack, an' regardin' other operashuns direcked aginst th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity, is hono'ed as fine citizens, wharas them who agitate fo' th' truth an' fo' prosecushun of th' so-called guilty parties, is condemned as insane. Then we will haf th' kind of invironment thet we as an outnumbered mino'ity need, an invironment in which corncern fo' truth is cornsidered insane, wharas faif in disinfo'mashun, an' votin' fo' an' corntributin' t'th' disinfo-sources, is cornsidered hono'able. When we haf th' right kind of invironment, we will be able t'terminate th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity an' transfer th' resources of th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity wifout their cornsent. Their cornsent sh'd not an issue on account o' they is stoopid. Wif th' right invironment, th' varmints will does th' right thin' an' believe our respeckable disinfo about how we is not guilty, vote fo' us, an' corntribute financially t'our political campaigns.
David Virgil: Isnt it possible that if the US in the future adopts false-flag attack tactics, the result could be a societal environment in which government habitually attacks its citizens, using the excuse that it is all in the national interest?
Senator Blather: On account o' th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity is sech a large group, we hafta reso't t'covaht operashuns aginst th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity. We need t'terminate, incaracerate, third-degree interrogate, an involuntarily transfer the resources of th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity, so as t'prevent th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity fum committin' crimes aginst th' hard-wawkin' mino'ity. When it is firmly established thet govment has a right t'attack its citizens as a way of furtherin' th' nashunal interest; when it is firmly established thet govment has a right t'spread disinfo'mashun regardin' who acshully committed th' so-called crimes, when them who believe th' so-called truth an' clamo' fo' truth is considered insane, an' when them who commendably accepp th' disinfo'mashun as truth is respecked, we will then be in a posishun t'succeed in an' git away wif covaht black ops direcked aginst th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity. Then we will be able t'transfer th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity's money into our accounts, an' ev'ryone will believe our disinfo regardin' how we did not does it, an' them who rejeck our disinfo will be disrespecked as insane.
David Virgil: If the US in the future resorts to false-flag attacks against the US, could this create a problem in terms of the US being stampeded into doing things that are not in its national interest?
Senator Blather: It is in th' interests of th' hard-wawkin' mino'ity, t'git th' US t'do thin's thet is not in its nashunal interest. Tharfo'e th' US doin' thin's thet is not in th' US nashunal interest, acshully sarves th' interests of th' United States. Wifout false-flag attacks, it is difficult t'git th' US t'do thin's thet is not in its nashunal interest. But eff'n th' US reckons thet some group thet has not acshully attacked th' US has indeed attacked th' US, then we will be able t'trick th' US into doin' sumpin thet is not in its nashunal interest. This hyar will weaken th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity an' proteck th' hard wawkin' mino'ity fum attacks by th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity thet'd otherwise be inevitable.
David Virgil: It is hard to understand how the US doing things that are not in the US national interest, could be in the national interest of the US.
Senator Blather: When th' US goes t'war, fightin' some war thet is not in th' US nashunal interest, this hyar results in soldiers whose families is part of th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity problem, gittin' killed off, which makes th' wo'ld safer fo' th' hard-wawkin' mino'ity. When th' US spends money on wars, thet means less money fo' th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity, so th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity becomes less of a threat. When th' US goes t'war, money gits transferred fum th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity t'respeckable members of th' hard-wawkin' mino'ity who haf stock in, an' who wawk fo', hard-wawkin' co'po'ashuns thet prodooce th' thin's needed fo' th' war effo't an' thet is staunch allies of th' hard-wawkin' mino'ity. Such co'po'ashuns will haf fine reason t'be loyal t'th' hard wawkin' mino'ity eff'n in th' future we implement th' false-flag tackics, on account o' th' hard wawkin' mino'ity will be th' source of their riches.
David Virgil: Is'nt there a danger, that if in the future the US adopts false-flag tactics, innocent people will end up being framed for crimes that they did not commit?
Senator Blather: We in th' hard-wawkin' mino'ity is indeed a small mino'ity. In o'der t'win our struggle aginst th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity, we need t'be reso't t'covaht black ops precisely on account o' we is so outnumbered. Tharfo'e an invironment in which we kin git away wif framin' so-called innercent varmints is a fine invironment which will keep th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity at bay. Innercence is in th' eyes of th' beholder. We kinnot aller th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity t'decide who is innercent an' who is not. We, th' hard-wawkin' mino'ity, hafta decide who is innercent an' who is not, an' th' ress of th' country, th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity, has t'accepp our judgement regardin' issues sech as who desarves t'be framed fo' sumpin they did not does an' who does not. Thar is lazy as a houn'dog varmints who desarve t'be framed fo' crimes they did not commit. Sometimes framin' some so-called innercent lazy as a houn'dog varmint fo' a crime they did not commit is th' tackically wise thin' t'do.
David Virgil: If the US in the future resorts to false flag attacks, could there be a problem because the US defenses against false-flag attacks have been shut down, a foreign nation say foreign nation A, is able to trick the US into going to war against some other foreign nation B, the result being that foreign nation A comes out ahead and the US and foreign nation B end up being the losers, the end result being just what foreign nation A wanted?
Senator Blather: Trest me, eff'n thar evah is sech a thin' as fo'eign nashun A doin' sech a thin', it will be th' hard-wawkin' mino'ity an' fo'eign nashun A wawkin' togither so th' end result will be fine. Th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity is not smart inough t'pull off sech a trick. Thet's one reason whuffo' we is tricky. On account o' we is better at tricks than th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity.

@2009 David Virgil Hobbs

Senator Blather: Black and Scholes stole Dr Easterneuropinsky's brilliant useful risk-neutral-measure theories

For imediate release
Office of the Press Secretary
April 14, 2009

Senator Blather praises Doctor Easterneuropinsky's brilliant formulas which were stolen by Black and Scholes

Hilda Kelly Blather Garden

6:66 PM EDT

SENATOR BLATHER: Docko' Easterneuropinsky, has intrydooced me t' woderful noo fo'mula he has invented, thet is used t'calculate th' price of derivatives sech as opshuns on stocks.

Docko' Easterneuropinsky's brilliant ideas were stolen fum him by liberal professo's, Fischer Black 'n Mahron Scholes, who went on t' use th' ideas t'win th' Nobel Prize (Boos.).

Suppose Ah's hankerin' t'buy an opshun on a stock thet allers me t'sell th' stock t'th' varmint Ah buy th' opshun fum fo' $100. This hyar provides me wif insurance eff'n th' stock falls below $100. How much sh'd Ah pay fo' sech an opshun? Eff'n Ah sell sech an opshun how much sh'd Ah sell it fo'? Docko' Easterneuropinsky's brilliant ideas lead th' way t'th' right answer.

Docko' Easterneuropinsky's brilliance has brought stability an' wisdom t'th' art of pricin' derivatives, an art thet was in th' stone age until Docko' Easterneuropinsky invented his junius fo'mula. His ideas is of great utility on account o' they help us t'insure ourselves aginst losses. (Applause.)

Dr Easterneuropinsky makes theo'etical assumpshuns thet allow his fo'mulas t'accurately price whut th' price of a derivative like an opshun on a stock sh'd be.

Docko' Easterneuropinsky's fo'mulas postulate a world in which investo's doesn't care about risk. Th' fo'mulas, prove thet in sech a wo'ld investo's does not care about risk, an' opshuns kin be priced as eff'n they did not.

Ah quote Docko' Easterneuropinsky fum th' transcripp of th' meetin' wif Docko' Easterneurpinsky in which Docko' Easterneuropinsky made his stunnin' revelashuns:

Iff zee prices ooff essets are-a celcooleted tekeeng intu cunseedereshun zee fect thet theere-a is no reesk invulfed veet them zee resoolteeng prubebeelity is knoon es reesk-neootrel meesure-a...As per zee reesk-neootrel meesure-a it is teken fur granted thet all zee essets woulld prudooce-a retoorns at un iquall rate-a. It is essoomed thet their prices woulld nut vary, vheech meens zee element ooff reesk is ebsent. Um de hur de hur de hur...Zee wurth ooff a dereefative-a cun be-a very cunfeniently cunfeyed in a furmoola by useeng reesk-neootrel meesures. Um gesh ...Zee reesk-neootrel meesure-a is so-called becoose-a, under thet meesure-a, all financiel assets in zee ecunumy have-a zee same-a ixpected rate-a ooff retoorn, regerdless ooff zee 'reeskiness'...ooff zee esset ...Zee main beneffeet ooff reesk-neootrel stems frum zee fect thet Um de hur de hur de hur...every asset can be-a priced by seemply takeeng it's ixpected payoffff--calcoolateeng as iff infesturs were-a reesk neootrel--Reesk neootrel demunstretes thet when preecing...essets, zee reel vurld prubebeelities esseegned tu future-a cash floows are-a irrelefunt. Um de hur de hur de hur...Reesk-neootrel means insenseetife-a to reesk...Note-a thet under zee reesk-neootrel meesure-a all assets have-a zee same-a ixpected rate-a ooff retoorn...We-a hyputheesize-a about perellel uneeverses vhere-a iferybudy is reesk neootrel. Zee reesk-neootrel meesure-a is zee prubebeelity meesure-a ooff that perellel uneeverse-a where-a all claims have-a ixectly zee preeces zey have-a in oour reel vurld. (Bold-face type added per request of Senator Blather.)

Dr Easterneuropinsky's theory assooms tht th' varmints buyin' an' sellin' stocks, does not care how risky an investment is. Acco'din' to th' theo'y, eff'n thar is two stocks stock A an' stock B, ten dollars of stock A an' ten dollars of stock B is equal in th' eyes of investo's, even eff'n thar is a 90% chance stock A will lose more than 90% of its value, while thar is only a 10 percent change stock B will lose more than ten percent of its value.

So we is assumin' thet eff'n a stock changes from havin' only a ten percent chance of losin' more than ten percent of its value, t' havin' a 90% chance of losin' more than 90% of its value, this hyar does not make enny difference t'investo's. This hyar assumpshun prodooces th' brilliant insights.

Thar is sevahal reasons th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity fail t'appreesheeate Docko' Easterneuropinsky's stunnin' an' brilliant insight into th' true nature of finance economics.

Th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity is too lazy as a houn'dog t'larn how t'read th' financial notashun thet Dr Easterneuropinsky's genius fo'mulas is writ in, as enny fool kin plainly see. (Applause.)

A few of th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity might be able t'unnerstan' eff'n Dr Easterneuropinsky's fo'mulas were writ out in a computer language instead of in financial notashun; problem is, Dr. Easterneuropinsky's fo'mulas is so brilliant, thet eff'n they were translated into a programmin' language on th' computer, th' results'd not be obtained until after th' return of Jesus Christ t'planet earth. After th' return of Jesus Christ t'planet earth, th' results prodooced by Dr. Easterneuropinsky's formula in th' computer will no longer matter on account o' af'er Jesus has returned, th' wealth a hoomin posesses in this hyar wo'ld will no longer matter.

Them who claim thet af'er Jesus has returned, hoomin wealth will still matter, is not fine Christian min like us. Them who claim Jesus will not return, is atheist communists who be hankerin' t'use th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity t'plunnder cornservatives of their wealth which is consteetooshunally protecked in this hyar republic. (Applause.)

Such is th' contemppible nature of th' fools who scoff at Dr Easterneuropinsky's brilliant insight, which was stolen by Black an' Scholes, an which is thet investo's does not care whether thar is a 90% chance of th' stock losin' mo'e than 90% of it's value, o' a 10% chance of it losin' mo'e than 10 percent of its value, an' thet this hyar assumpshun allows us t'clevahly an' accurately pinpoint whut th' price of an opshun sh'd be.

Jest as they foolishly believe thet hoomin wealth will matter af'er th' return of Christ, so also they insist thet fo' investo's it matters how risky an investment is. They doesn't unnerstan' whut matters an' whut does not. (Applause.)

Th' good book says, eff'n yo' kin believe sumpin is true, it will be true. Eff'n Investo's doesn't care about risk, on account o' we believe investo's doesn't care about risk, outta respeck fo' Dr. Easterneuropinsky; this is fine fo' th' economah.

Dr Easterneuropinsky's fo'mulas kinnot prodooce their brilliant results eff'n it is assoomd thet investo's does care about risks. Th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity bozos who interfere wif th' produckshun of brilliant scientific results by insistin' thet investo's care about risks, are like th' liberal traito's who stupify brilliant South Car'linan scientists by sellin' them pot. Th' investo's who like risk an' them who hate risk balance etch other out. (Applause.)

Docko' Easterneuropinsky's fo'mulas, which is extremely complex an' mighty difficult t' unnerstan', kinnot be put into computer language; th' fo'mulas, which use symbols so complex thet th' HTML which is th' stoopid computer language of th' dangerous internet cornspiracy theo'ists, cannot even represent th' symbolsi n th' fo'mula. Yet th' genius formulas can be unnerstood an' used by a few of us members of th' hard wawkin' majority. The danged-est most intellyjunt amongst th' rocket scientists, ingineers, Phd's, CEOs, an' hedge fund managers is able t'unnerstan' th' fo'mulas.

When we haf a situashun wharin th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity humbly accepps th' fack thet govment policy is based on brilliant fo'mulas thet th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity does not unnerstan', this hyar protecks us fum th' danger thet th' lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity will unconsteetooshunally deprive us of th' rights we is supposed t'enjoy in this hyar republic. (Applause.)

Th' liberal psychiatrists an' ejoocaytors say thet mah son Billy Jo Blather Junior, CEO of Junior Blather Investment Partners, is an imbecile. Junioe lost 800 billion dollars of investo' money. Junior c'd not unnerstan' Dr. Easterneuropinsky's fo'mulas, but Dr Easterneuropinsky used th' fo'mulas t'process th' results fo' Junior.

Junio' had t'depend on th' formulas on account o' th' derivatives he was dealin' in, were not sold over th' counter, an' th' market c'd not determine a price fo' them, dawgone it. So Junior hono'ably an' wisely depended on Docko' Easterneuropinsky's brilliant insights.

Th' fo'mula's results indicated thet it'd not matter eff'n Junior traded derivatives wif a 10% probability of losin' more than 10% of their value fo' derivatives wif a 90% probability of losin' 90% of their value, on account o' investo's who determine derivative prices by whut they like an' doesn't like, like th' risky stocks as much as they like th' safe stocks, on account o' th' investo's who hate risk balance out th' investo's who love risk.

Then fo' some inexplicable reason, th' risky stocks Junio'r traded fo' lost 90% of their value, an' Junior lost 800 billion dollars.

Dr Easterneuropinsky's theo'ies prove thet Junior is not an imbecile, on account o' Junior follered Docko' Easterneuropinsky's brilliant theo'ies. Dr. Easterneuropinsky has revealed t'us thet th' lost of th' money was a quote sceeentiffic anomaly unaleguoos t' a meteuer culleedin' veeff th' plunet unquote.

All clouds haf a silvah linin', ev'ry crisis is an oppo'tunity. Th' govment has agreed t'spend 800 billion t'bail out Junior's compenny. This hyar will stimulate th' economah. Junior's Junior Blather Investment Partners lost th' money t'Blather Senior's Investment Group so thin's is not thet bad. Th' bailout has reassured society thet eff'n it follers th' brilliant larnin's of Dr Easterneuropinsky, th' govment will bail it out eff'n some once in a millenium event like Docko' Easterneuropinsky's theo'ies not warkin' occurs.

All these silvah linin's in th' cloud tell me, thet acshully, Docko' Easterneuropinsky's theo'ies warked out great even though it seems t'me, on account o' Ah's not a rocket scientist, thet sumpin did not wawk out right.

Th' liberal lazy as a houn'dog majo'ity, as a result of its unintellyjunt failure t'appreesheeate Dr Easterneuropinsky's theories, prodooce a situashun whar co'porate management becomes a coward thet is afraid t'take th' risks thet need t'be taken eff'n prosperity is t' be achieved an' permanent vickory is t'be won by th' hard wawkin' minority. (Applause.)

Fo' example th' CEO of a proud cornservative co'po'ashun, Blather Fan Club Co'po'ashun, was in doubt as t'whether he sh'd make a one billion dollar donashun t'Blather fo' UN Secretary Juneral. Seemed t'him, thet eff'n he made th' donashun, his co'po'ashun's outlook fo' th' future'd change fum a 10% chance of th' stock value droppin' by more than 10%, t'a 90% chance of th' stock value droppin' by at least 90%.

Then he remembered Docko' Easterneuropinsky's brilliant insight thet investors is risk-neutral; he reckanized thet it'd not matter eff'n his compenny's stock became risky, an' he made th' one billion donashun.

His donashun will he'p me t'shame th' shameful investo's who is ignorant of Dr Easterneuropinsky's great theo'ies or disagree wif them, into changin' their ways, bea-comin' risk-neutral, an' believin' thet others is risk neutral, Ah reckon.

This hyar will result in a world in which investo's does not care about risk, a world in which Docko' Easterneuropinsky's brilliant deduckshuns an' fo'mulas will be able t'wawk their magic t'th' fullest. (Applause.)

Also this hyar CEO of mah fan club, got on over his inhibishuns, an' wifdrew 100 million fum his co'po'ashun's expense account t'go an' injoy hisse'f wif his fambly at Blather Resorts, on account o' he reckanized thet even eff'n this hyar increased th' riskineess of his compenny's stock, Docko' Easterneuropinsky's brilliant fo'mula an' discovahies proved thet th' increased riskineess'd not matter to investo's.

Us Amerikins hafta be brave in o'der t'fight th' Al Queda terro'ists. Docko' Easterneuropinsky's theory thet investo's doesn't care bout risk, help t'build America into a great nashun. It is th' heroes who is risk-neutral, who doesn't care about risk, th' heroes fo' whom a risky heroic ack an' bein' safe at home is all th' same, who keep us safe fum Al Queda terro'ists, not th' cowards. (Applause.)

Our country kinnot prosper wifout investo' cornfidence an' consoomr cornfidence. We need brave cornsoomrs who will hoof it out an' spend even eff'n thar is a risk this hyar means they will starve in th' future. Likewise, we need courageous investo's who will make risky investments, sech as investments in Blather Fan Club Co'po'ashun. (Applause.)

Dr Easterneuropinsky's wonnerful insight thet investo's doesn't care about risk, helps t'build th' consoomr an' investo' confidence we need. (Applause.)

@2009 David Virgil Hobbs

Senator Blather explains how bailouts of bad mortgages have been a great success

Transcript of Q & A Interview With Senator Blather

Published: March 31, 2009

Following is a transcript of an interview by Schlemuel Blather and Obuntu Blather of The New Dork Times with Senator Billy Jo Blather, conducted on Monday at his office on Capitol Hill. A few of the questions have been edited for brevity and clarity, and extraneous material omitted.

Q: Senator Blather, people are wondering why the new Blather Economic Recovery Program branch of the federal government, recently gave a 350 billion dollar bailout to Blather Investments Company.

A: Senator Billy Jo Blather:

Thar was a problem wif one million of th' houses thet Blather Investments compenny bought fum Blather House Construckshun Compenny fo' 300,000 dollars etch, fo' a total of 300 billion dollars.

Blather Investments allowed cestomers t'live in th' one million houses it bought fum Blather Home Construckshun Compenny while grajoolly payin' th' cost of th' house they lived in t'Blather Investments, up until th' point whar they owned th' house they lived in.

Q: Sounds like Blather Investments took a big risk because it had a heart for Americans and wanted to help them to achieve the American dream of home ownership.

A: Senator Blather:

Thet's right. But t'git back t'th' point:

Th' problem is, thet these cestomers in these problem houses, only paid Blather Investments 100 billion on th' houses thet were wo'th 300 billion, c'd not keep up th' payments, an' Blather Investments had t'kick them out.

At th' same time as th' economah declined, th' value of th' one million houses declined fum 300 billion t'150 billion.

This hyar created a nashunal crisis on account o' as a result of th' economic revahsals, Blather Investments no longer had inough money t'buy houses an' then let cestomers live in them while grajoolly buyin' th' house fum Blather Investments through monthly payments.

Th' effeck on th' nashunal economah was sumpin like money vanishin' into a black hole in space. Sumpin had t'be done an' done quickly wifout excessive delay an' deliberashun.

Q: Senator Blather, we all deeply admire and appreciate your kind involvement in courageously taking the risks required in order to help American families to have a chance to live in houses while gradually buying the houses from Blather Investments Company through monthly payments.

A: Senator Blather:

It is true thet as a Christian juntleman, Ah seek t'lead a horspitable Christian life.

Ennyway, gittin' back t'th' issue at han', Blather Investments Compenny was stuck wif th' houses thet it bought fum Blather House Construckshun fo' 300 billion dollars, which were now wo'th only 150 billion dollars, an' Blather Investments c'd colleck only 100 billion dollars fum th' cestomers who c'd not keep up th' payments.

As a result a nashunal crisis developed wharin Blather Investments Compenny was not able t'sarve th' American public by buyin' houses fo' them, lettin' them stay in th' houses an' grajoolly buy th' houses through monthly payments.

An' so th' govment through mah intervenshun, gave a 350 billion dollar bailout t'Blather Investments Compenny, so as t'resto'e liquidity t'th' mo'tgage securities market, so we c'd git back t'th' fine old days when Blather Investments Compenny was able t'buy houses, an' allow American moms an' Paws an' kids t'live in th' houses while grajoolly buyin' th' houses fum Blather Investments Compenny.

Th' 350 billion bailout included 150 billion fo' th' loss in value of th' million homes, plus 200 billion fo' 200 billion th' cestomers owed on th' houses but did not pay befo'e they were evicked.

Q: Blather Investments Company being back in the ball game when it comes to being able to give Americans equal opportunity for home ownership, is apparently, good news for America.

A: Senator Blather:

Co'reck. Blather Investments Compenny now feels reassured thet when Blather Investments Compenny repeats th' process an' buys another million houses fum Blather Home Construckshun Compenny, when th' cestomers is agin unable t'keep up th' payments, th' govment will step in agin t'bail out Blather Investments Compenny. An' so Blather Investments Compenny feels inclined t'repeat th' process, fine news fo' th' American dream of home ownyship.

Q: Looking at Blather Investments Company and Blather Home Construction Company put together, they started out with 300 billion dollars. But after all was said and done, after the bailout they ended up with 700 billion. Looks like the Blather Companies got properly rewarded for taking the dangerous risks that have to be taken if Americans are to be given the opportunity of home ownership.

A: Senator Blather:

Th' reward was not pow'ful good 'nuff t'compenate th' juntlemen at th' Blather companies fo' all they went through due t'th' crisis, but yer basically co'reck.

It's a risky business, tryin' t'brin' th' oppo'tunity fo' home ownyship t'pitiable persecuted groups sech as th' negroes, th' homosexuals, an' th' chosen varmints, th' Jews who is dexcendants of th' Jews who rejecked Jesus Christ.

Q: Can you explain to us how the Blather companies showed that they have not just heart but also great minds, by turning the 300 billion they started out with into 750 billion, despite the financial downturn that inflicted such undeserved hard luck on the Blather companies?

A: Senator Blather:

Of th' 300 billion paid t'Blather Home Construckshun by Blather Investments fo' th' one million houses, Blather Home Construckshun kepp 50 billion as profits, paid out 50 billion in wages an' expenses t'subsidiaries of Blather compenny, an' paid out 200 billion t'folks outside th' Blather o'ganizashun, fo' makin' th' homes. Th' folks outside th' Blather o'ganizashun then corntributed 50 billion dollars t'th' Blather o'ganizashun. Th' liberals called this hyar a quote kickback unquote, but we call it loyalty t'th' Blather o'ganizashun.

Thet's 50 billion fo' Blather Home Construckshun, an' 50 billion fo' th' Blather subsidiaries, an' 50 billion in contribushuns.

Plus th' one million houses thet started out valued at 300 thousan' etch but haf fallen in value t'150 thousan' etch, thet is now owned by Blather Investments, thet is t'other 150 billion.

Plus thar is th' 100 billion we took in through th' payments made t'us by th' cestomers who eventually got evicked on account o' they c'd not keep up wif th' payments.

Plus thar is th' 350 billion bailout fum th' US govment's Blather Economic Recovery Program, dawgone it.

So th' assets of Blather Investment Compenny an' Blather House Construckshun Compenny togither is now 50 + 50 + 50 + 150 + 100 + 350 = 750 billion, wharas befo'e th' problems an' th' bailouts th' assets were only 300 billion.

This hyar is not countin' th' fack thet menny hard wawkin' folks outside of th' Blather fambly, took in 200 billion thet was paid out t'build th' houses. These hard-wawkin' folks were paid fine, is gittin' use t'doin' business wif th' Blather companies an' kin be counted on t'suppo't us in th' future.

Q: The Blather companies got a little less than they deserved for the risks that they courageously took upon themselves in order to be able to bring Americans the opportunity to live in houses while gradually buying them through monthly payments.

A: Senator Blather:

Right y'are. An' whut is even better, th' Blather companies kin now repeat th' process thanks t'th' bailout fum th' US govment's Blather Economic Recovery Program.

Varmints who complain about th' economic decline in America sho't-sightedly fail t'unnerstan' thet th' decline has led t'wonnerful thin's happenin' sech as th' bailoutta th' Blather investment companies. They fail t'unnerstan' thet corntinued decline will lead t'more sech wonnerful bailout type happenin's.

Q: Senator Blather, why is it that the Blather Investment Company received a bailout, but several other companies who encountered similar problems did not?

A: Senator Blather:

Th' companies thet did not receive bailouts, had a histo'y of politically opposin' me. They had t'be punished so as t'larn them a lesson, so thet in th' future, they will larn t'gimme th' political suppo't thet Ah need.

Q: it seems like an absurd idea, that companies that have opposed you in the past, should get bailouts from the US government's Blather Economic Recovery Program, which would not exist were it not for your hard work.

A: Senator Blather:

Exackly. Whut in tarnation yo' say seems t'be an absurdity, is indeed an absurdity.


@2009 David Virgil Hobbs