Friday, September 26, 2008

Blather endorses Wall Street Bailout

For Immediate Release
Office of the Press Secretary
September 26, 2008

Senator Blather Endorses Wall Street Bailout
Hilda Kelly Blather Garden

6:66 P.M. EDT

SENATOR BLATHER: Thank yo'. Welcome. Thank yo' all fo' a-comin'. Ah particularly be hankerin' t'thank members of mah Cabinet fo' joinin' me hyar today in th' Hilda Kelly Blather Garden.

Ah's pleased t'announce mah suppo't fo' th' bailoutta th' brave, risk-takin' Wall Street firms thet were indangered when they foun' thet varmints they loaned money t'c'd not pay them back. This hyar sets an excellent example fo' th' future, on account o' hencefo'th we will not hafta wo'ry about gwine bankrupp when we ingage in courageous risky investments thet c'd save hoominity, eradicut povahty, an' turn ev'ry hoomin into a millionaire. Th' bailouts is not inough. Th' CEOs of these brave firms sh'd also be awarded th' congresshunal medal of hono' in recognishun of th' courage they haf displayed by ingagin' in risky behaviour. Them who oppose th' bailout sh'd be investigated as postible accomplices in th' assassinashun of our respeckable an' brave President Kennedy, who jest befo'e he was killed, wrote th' classic epic intitled, 'Profiles in Courage'. (Applause.)

Eff'n our esteemed leaders in Warshin'ton succeed in bailin' out th' hono'able Wall Street co'po'ashuns, mah own co'po'ashun, Blather Investments, will be able t'courageously hoof it ahaid wif various projecks thet up till now we haf been fo'ced t'put on hold; an' we will be able t'engage in junerous business prackices thet up till now we haf been fo'ced t'avoid. Whuffo'? On account o' eff'n th' bailout comes through, we will be able t'especk mo'e sech bailouts in th' future, eff'n an' when co'po'ashuns sech as mah Blather Investments fail in their hono'able, brave, risky projecks. (Applause.)

Eff'n th' Wall Street bailout is inacked, Blather Co'po'ashun will feel incouraged t'go ahaid wif its courageous high-risk plan t'scour th' iced-ovah no'th an' south poles fo' postible hidden oases whar th' temperature nevah falls below 80 degrees year roun', an' whar thar is plenty of sunshine an' rainfall, Ah reckon. Th' discovery of sech tropical oases hidden amongst th' frozen glaciers of th' no'th an' south pole, c'd suddenly return South Car'lina t'financial superpower status an' wipe out all th' losses our great nashun has suffered in th' past 25 years. (Stomping of feet, Applause.)

Eff'n th' Wall Street bailout is inacked, Ah will be able t'pay mah overwawked executives who donate junerously t'noble cuzs sech as Blather fo' President, a minimum wage of no less than $100,000 per hour; on account o' of th' investo' cornfidence junerated by th' smarts thet eff'n Blather Investments fails, fine old Uncle Sam will come through t'bail Blather Investments out. (Applause, shouts of 'Blather!, Blather!, Blather!'.)

Eff'n th' Wall Street bailout is inacked, Ah will be able t'hire lotsa respeckable job applicants who give of their scarce time an' hard-arned salaries t'positive projecks sech as Blather fo' UN Secretary Juneral, who Ah otherwise'd be unable t'hire on account o' they is whut th' liberal dockto's rudely label as idiots, imbeciles, an' mo'ons. On account o' th' courage an' bravery junerated by th' knowledge thet eff'n Blather Investments fails, fine old Uncle Sam will come through t'bail Blather Investments out, will gimme th' courage Ah need t'keep sech quote idiots, imbeciles an' mo'ons unquote on th' payroll, Ah reckon. (Standing ovation, mother of retarded girl faints in aisle.)

Eff'n th' US govment is able t'git its Wall Street bailout inacked, Ah will be able t'fire th' employees who Ah have had t'put up wif, who th' liberal dockto's classify as geniuses, who Ah have been fo'ced t'tolerate on account o' Ah need them on account o' Ah have been terrified by th' terro'ists who terrify us by opposin' hoomane, charitable projecks sech as th' Wall Street bailout. On account o' th' fo'titude junerated by th' knowin' thet eff'n Blather Investments fails, fine old Uncle Sam will come through t'bail Blather Investments out, will gimme th' courage Ah need t'fire sech geniuses. (Applause, father of retarded boy rushes stage to embrace Sen Blather but is restrained by guards.)

Eff'n th' Wall Street Bailout is inacked, Ah will haf th' confidence Ah need t'courageously take th' risk of hirin' all kinds of relatives of mine who is loyal t'th' various Blather cauzs, who until now Ah have not been able t'hire on account o' Ah have been terrified by th' fear of financial failure. Ah will be able t'hire loyal relatives like Uncle Jethro Blather who was diagnosed as a moron, mah cousin Geraldine who was diagnosed as an imbecile, an' mah gran'son Abner who was diagnosed as 'n idiot. Not only thet, Ah will be able t'hire mah negro friend Leroy who is illiterate Thus Ah will be able t'demonstate mah deep commitment t'providin' jobs fo' th' mentally disabled an' th' mino'ities, a commitment Ah share wif respecked pro athletes ev'rywhar. On account o' eff'n th' Wall Street bailout is inacked, Ah will feel bravely cornfident thet eff'n Ah suffer losses as a result of hirin' sech relatives an' mino'ities, Uncle Sam will bail me out. (Applause, chants of 'Hail Blather, Negroes for Blather Salute Thee'.)

Mah intenshun has been t'gather a large number of investo's, who will loan me money in exchange fo' a slice of th' profits, so as t'enable me t'buy th' goods an' services Ah need t'ackomplish mah projeck t'search fo' tropical oases hidden in th' frozen-ovah No'th an' South pole areas, fum esteemed co'po'ashuns sech as Blather Arcktic Esplorashun Partners, an' Blather Oasis Search Group. These co'po'ashuns donate large sums of money t'noble cauzs sech as Blather fo' Wo'ld Bank President. Th' difficulty has been thet due t'th' terro'ists who haf frightened us wif their opposishun t'bailouts fo' respecked insteetooshuns sech as Wall Street banks, Ah have up till now, due t'th' high risks involved, been unable t'buy th' goods an' services Ah need fum Blather Arcktic ESplorashun Partners an' Blather Oasis Search Group, t'ackomplish th' expedishun t'search fo' Oases in Arcktica 'n Antarckica. Howevah eff'n th' Wall Street bailout is inacked, Ah will be able t'go ahaid an' bo'row th' money Ah need t'pay Blather Arcktic Esplorashun Partners etc., on account o' Ah will feel cornfident thet fine old Uncle Sam the US government, will bail me an' mah investo's out eff'n Ah's unable t'find th' oases in Arcktica 'n Antarckica. (Applause.)

Eff'n th' Wall Street bailout is inacked, Ah an' mah investo's an' partners will feel cornfident thet eff'n our noble courageous but mighty risky expedishun fails, Blather Arckic Splorashun Partners an' Blather Oasis Search Group will git th' money they desarve fo' th' hard wawk of havin' provided th' ships an' machines an' labo' needed fo' th' projeck, while at th' same time Blather Investments an' its shareholders which hired Blather Arcktic Esplorashun Partners an' Blather Oasis Search Group will not suffer economic damage. Them who fail t'unnerstan' th' impo'tance of sech investo' cornfidence is nitwits who need t'spend a few months readin' th' classics of Milton Friedman. (Applause.)

Th' projeck involvin' lookin' fo' tropical oases hidden amongst th' snow covahed mountains in th' arcktic an' antarckic areas is not th' only projeck Ah have been terro'izd into not gwine ahaid wif by th' terro'ists who oppose th' use of kind bailouts t'save trimenjus companies sech as Blather co'po'ashun fum gwine unner.

Hyar is a sho't list of some of t'other projecks thet Ah have been fo'ced t'put on hold: Projeck Snakebunny, A projeck t'search th' wo'ld fo' snakes thet is fine lookin' inough t'be Playboy Playmates; Projeck Desertglacier, a search fo' glaciers in th' middle of th' Saharee desert which is mighty impo'tant given th' global warmin' emerjuncy; Projeck Mooncrusade, a search fo' postible Al Qaeda hideouts on th' moon; Projeck Smartroach, which'd attempps t'turn roaches into genius level Pentagon cornsultants needed fo' th' war on terro'; Projeck OceanDesert, which'd scour th' bottom of th' ocean lookin' fo' deserts hidden unner liquidity bubbles, in which Al Qaeda san'-nigger types might be hidin'. (Standing ovation.)

Our country needs courage t'face terro'ists sech as them who oppose th' Wall Street bailout an' th' Muslim Al-Qaeda. As th' esteemed FDR said, "th' only thin' we hafta fear is fear itse'f". We is damaged by them who preach thet varmints like me, who does not fear ennythin', shou'd fear God. Th' fear of God prodooces cowards incapable of fightin' th' Al Qaeda terro'ists. Th' fear of God prodooces timid men, who is afraid t'suppo't th' Wall Street bailout, which is a war on th' financial terro' of failure. Th' fear of God is a fo'm of terro', like th' fear of financial terro', like th' terro'ist Al-Qaeda. Thus we muss classify them who promote th' fear of God as terro'ists, partners wif Al-Qaeda, partners wif them who scare investo's sech as Blather Investments into not partakin' in risky ventures. (Applause.)

Th' liberals who oppose th' Wall Street bailout, is terro'ists, on account o' they terrify us into not gwine ahaid wif impo'tant risky projecks sech as th' search fo' terro'ists in th' liquidity bubbles on th' sea floor. They an' th' Al Qaeda terro'ists haf alot in common wif etch other. Eff'n yo' haf enny heart fo' th' vickims of 911, eff'n yo' haf th' courage t'stan' up t'th' Al Qaeda terro'ists, then join wif me by sendin' yer donashun t'Blather an' Citizens fo' Wall Street Bailout.

Thanks fo' a-comin'. (Standing Ovation continues for 28 minutes.)

END 8:45 P.M. EDT

@2008 David Virgil Hobbs

Monday, September 15, 2008

Hobbs Interviews Eyeglasska Gov Payless Part I

EXCERPTS: David Virgil Hobbs Interviews Eyeglasska Governor Rah Rah Payless

(September 14, 2008)

HOBBS: Governor, let me start by asking you a question that has been in many people's minds, how did you get the name "Rah Rah"?

PAYLESS: It started when Ah gained th' experience ah need t'be President by bein' Cheerleader fo' th' Eyeglasska GOP Gals Club. Well bust mah britches an' call me streaker. We had a cheer thet went:

"Rah rah sisboombah, rah rah sisboombah,
We is th' GOP gals of Eyeglasska
We is smart an' we knows th' sco'e
Dems be hankerin' t'pay yo' mo'e an' mo'e
but we'll pay less an' less
'Cause Eyeglasska GOP gals is th' best".

HOBBS: People are wondering, how can Rah Rah Payless perform competently as President of the United States, when she has presented so little to the public in terms of essays on national affairs?

PAYLESS: Wal Ah's as yo' knows an evangelical Christian, as enny fool kin plainly see. We take th' Wo'd of God literally, thus we strongly suppo't th' state of Israel, Ah reckon. In th' Bible, Jesus Christ says in Matthew Chapper 7 vahse 21, quote Not ev'ry one thet saif unto me, Lo'd, Lo'd, shall inter into th' kin'dom of hevvin; but he thet doeth th' will of mah Pappy which is in hevvin unquote. An' in John-Boy chapper ten vahse thirty Christ says, quote Ah an' mah Pappy is one unquote. Now thar is a man in Charleston Wess ole Virginny who used t'be named Peter K Phillips, who has changed his name t'Jesus Christ. Tharfo'e Ah aim t'aller this hyar man who used t'be Mr. Phillips but is now Mr. Jesus Christ t'make all th' impo'tant decishuns. Tharfo'e thar is no need fo' me t'prodooce essays regardin' nashunal affairs.

HOBBS: Governor, many people are wondering why they should vote for a governor from the faraway state of Eyeglasska, which has a population of only 600,000 people, who is never seen not wearing eyeglasses over her face.

PAYLESS: Varmints kin tell how smart a varmint is by lookin' at their face; varmints kin tell who th' King is by lookin' at his face. Problem is thet this hyar conflicks wif th' idea thet academic degrees make varmints smart; an' we is aginst th' King on account o' he is too ethical fo' us. We like t'emphasize th' impo'tance of degrees on account o' this hyar gives ev'ryone th' chance t'be thunk of as smart which is th' Eyeglasskan way. Af'er all, 'ceptin' th' chosen people th' Israelites, all min are created equal, Ah reckon. So we like t'de-emphasize facial appeareence an' so Ah hide mah face behind mah eyeglasses. President McBush said, "if th' American varmints knows whut we haf done they'd chase us down an' lynch us". Eff'n Ah wears eyeglasses, then when th' American varmints be hankerin' t'lynch me Ah can jest take off mah glasses an' they won't reckanize me. Eff'n Ah did not wears eyeglasses, varmints'd figger out thet Ah's not thet smart. Eyeglasses aller me t'look like lotsa th' varmints out thar, lotsa varmints will vote fo' me on account o' they reckon Ah look like them, dawgone it. Eff'n Ah was seen not warin' th' eyeglasses, th' entire'd nashun'd become jealous regardin' mah beauty, an' we'd lose th' eleckshun.

HOBBS: Lots of voters are worried that if you and your running mate are elected and you become President, the nation will be looking at a rerun of eight years which featured gigantic trade and budget deficits, trillions spent on a war regarding which people think the results were not worth the trillions of dollars spent on the war, the World Trade Center Towers collapsing, and trillions of dollars dissappearing unaccounted for from the federal treasury. How do you respond to such worries?

PAYLESS: Whut in tarnation happened unner th' Republicans was God's will, Ah reckon. In Amos Chapper three vahse six we read, quote shall thar be evil in a city, an' th' LORD hath not done it? unquote. Eff'n whut happened in th' previous administrashun was not God's will, it c'd not haf happened, cuss it all t' tarnation. Th' Bible larnes thet God is Almighty. Revelashun Chapper One Verse Eight, quote Ah's Alfy an' Omega, th' beginnin' an' th' endin', saif th' Lo'd, which is, an' which was, an' which is t'come, th' Almighty unquote. Tharfo'e, we need t'continue doin' whut th' Republicans haf been doin', t'do God's will, Ah reckon. Conservativism is of God, on account o' cornservativism upholds tradishuns like corntinuin' t'do whut th' Republicans haf been doin'.

@2008 David Virgil Hobbs