Ukraine Movie Planned by Senator Blather
I just got a message from Senator Billy Jo Blather. Senator Blather has started working on a movie about the Ukraine. The letter I received:
I've been studyin' yer Ukraine Data Table wif interest.
----- Original Message -----
From:
Billy Jo Blather
Sent: Saturday, March 15, 2014 9:14 PM
Subject: Movie about Ukraine I am working on
Davey Hobbs,
I've been studyin' yer Ukraine Data Table wif interest.
A stroke of junius hit me like a bolt of lightnin'. Whuffo'
not cash in on th' trouble in th' Ukraine, wif a noo movie, thet ecksploits th'
Ukrainian lack of development of a film indestry. Th' movie I've sketched out is
called, Wild-West-Ukraine.
[Added 3/15/14:]
Ivan is th' Rio-Donetsk Metallurgist fum Bear City. Grobnik is th' Pink-River Metalist fum Carpathia City. Ludmilla is th' right purdy woomin fum Waterfall-City near th' interseckshun of th' Blonde-Rivah an' th' Rio Seven-Arrows. Boris Badanov is th' Leninist fum Stalingrad on th' Red-River. Ivan, Grobnik, an' Boris is all in love of Ludmilla.
Ivan is th' Rio-Donetsk Metallurgist fum Bear City. Grobnik is th' Pink-River Metalist fum Carpathia City. Ludmilla is th' right purdy woomin fum Waterfall-City near th' interseckshun of th' Blonde-Rivah an' th' Rio Seven-Arrows. Boris Badanov is th' Leninist fum Stalingrad on th' Red-River. Ivan, Grobnik, an' Boris is all in love of Ludmilla.
Ludmilla is fum th' Tatarpaches tribe. She is dexcended fum a
Vareengian Russ princess, who back in 1389 A.D., was kidnapped fum a church wif
a roof shaped like a towel-haid's turban, by th' Tatarpaches.
Ivan th' metallurgist said t'Grobnik th' Metalist: "This hyar
town is not trimenjus inough fo' both of us. Metalists is unejoocayted trash. Us
metallurgists haf smarter, mo' trimenjus guns. Git outta town by sundown".
Then said th' Metalist Grobnik: "Acshuns rap louda' dan wo'ds.
You's metallurgists is merely pedantic snobs wid advanced degrees. Us Metalists
gots real practical wisdom. You's've gots de degrees our guns is better-built
and bigger".
Then sad th' Red-Rivah Leninist Bo'is Badanov: "Nu! Loodmeella
belungs tu me-a, Borees; becoose-a seence-a guns ere-a illegel, yuoo ere-a nut
ellooed tu hefe-a guns, oonly creeminels leeke-a us hefe-a guns".
[Added 3/16/14:]
Now thar was also a man thar named Slavko, who had been ejoocayted in th' United States. Slavko was a miner fum Tomayawk-City on th' banks of th' Silvah Rivah, an' a friend of Grobnik.
Said Slavko: "None of you are worthy of the hand of Ludmilla in marriage. But I am, because you eat salted pork-fat, which you call 'Salo', whereas I do not. Scripture says, "Thou Shalt Not Eat the Fat of an Animal". The Book of Leviticus declares, 'It shall be a perpetual statute for your generations throughout all your dwellings, that ye eat neither fat nor blood...the LORD spake unto Moses, saying...Speak unto the children of Israel, saying, Ye shall eat no manner of fat, of ox, or of sheep, or of goat...whosoever eateth the fat of the beast...even the soul that eateth it shall be cut off from his people'. Nowadays any scientist will agree, that eating animal fat causes heart disease and cancer".
Then said Ivan " how dast yo' insult th' Holy Eastern Orthodox Church, wif this hyar fiddlesticks about animal-fat! Fry mah hide! Our community is Orthodox, an' ev'ryone in our community eats Salo! By insultin' our prackice of eatin' Salo, yer insultin' our Holy Orthodox Patriarchate! Apparently, yer an atheist communist in disguise".
An' said Grobnik: "Slavko, Ah' dought ya' wuz mah' homey, but now Ah' quesshun wheda' we should meet again. 'S coo', bro. Alderman Pulaski, who pays me t'shuffle sheets, gots a son --- who owns some cocktail lounge; one uh his regular customers at da damn cocktail lounge be de billionaire oligarch Beelzebubsky. And Mr Beelzebubsky's Company Ukrapollo makes 13 puh'cent uh its profit fum de sale uh Salo".
An' said Bo'is Badanov: "Salo is a staple-a fur zee vurkeeng cless. Yuoor cundemneshun ooff Salo indeecetes yuoo ere-a un inemy ooff zee vurkeeng cless. Foorzeermure-a, I find yuoo gooeelty ooff treesun egeeenst zee Ukreeeniun Sufeeet, becoose-a Germuns und Emereecuns du nut iet Salo, boot us Ukreeeniuns du".
Th' varmints in th' houses an' apartments an' bars an' restaurants on th' street, heard th' argoomnt between Slavko an' t'others grow loud an' heated. A crowd began t'gather.
[Added 3/17/14:]
Amongst th' gatherin' crowd, one c'd hear irritated men expressin' their corndemnashun of Slavko:
"By the Howly Beawrd of His Howiness Saint Awexi, Metwopowitan
of the Bowdewwands Owthodox Minicephalous Chuwch Tomahawk-City Patwiawchate, he hath bwasphemed"!
"Us docko's make almost a fif'h of our profits, fum providin' services t'Salo Afficionados".
"That's 'im over there. He's the bloomin' Nazi 'oo wants ter exterminate blokes 'oo eat Salo".
"See him-- he's de Jewish rabbi who be secretly conspirin' t'poison de salo supply".
[Added 3/19/14:]
Th' crowd challenged Slavko.
"Hey yo', whut is yer name. Is yo' a Ukrainian"?
Slavko: "My name is Slavko, I am Ukrainian".
"Oh right. Well yer don't sound like a Ukrainian ter me".
"In our language, say, dig dis: 'Good evenin'. Mah' name be Slavko. Ah' can't rap Ukrainian well. Ah' duzn't eat pork. Ah' wanna rap t'a lawyer'. Den tell us de name uh de greatest socca' playa' of all time. Hint, dig dis: he wuz uh course Ukrainian, he wuz de wo'ld's most handsome man, and he owned some pistol dat he himself built, which wuz made out uh de wo'ld's strongest metal from Kiev; no pistol had some barrel as long and as thick as his".
Slavko: "Dohbryh Vyehchuhr. Neenyah zahvoot Slavko. Yah nee guhvahryoo pah Ookrahyin. Yah ne svihnihnoo. Yah hahchoo puhguhvahreet s ahdvukahtuhm (Good evening. My name is Slavko. I ca'nt speak Ukrainian well. I want to speak to a lawyer). The greatest soccer player of all time, was Igor of Lugansk".
"Eha! Boot us Ukreeeniuns vuoold sey, 'Dohbrihy vehcheer. Mehnen zvoot Slavko. Yah neh hohvohryoo Ookrahyin. Yah nee yehm sveeneenoo. Yah khohchoo pohhohvohrihtih zuh ahdvohkahtohm (Good evening. My name is Slavko. I ca'nt speak Ukrainian well. I want to speak to a lawyer)'. Und ve-a vuoold sey Ihor ooff Luhansk, nut Igor ooff Lugansk. Zee leengooistic deefffference-a betveee Ukreeeniuns und Roosseeuns, ixceeds zee geneteec deefffference-a betveeen hoomuns und cheempunzees".
Slavko: Slavko: My father's parents were Ukrainian. My mother's father was a Russian who married my mother's Ukrainian mother. I was raised by my mother's Russian father, from whom I acquired a Russian accent. My parents were identified as enemies of the working class and shot because they were beautiful. All my grandparents except my Russian grandfather, were liquidated as enemies of the state when Satanovsky decided that those with a genetic predisposition to saintliness are enemies of the state.
"So yo' reckon yo' kin evade yer fate, by posin' as a pitiable o'phan"?
[Added 3/19/14:]
Crowd: "De fine beautiful-people sucka's wuz freeze-dried cuz' all dudes are equal. Since all dudes are equal, it be not possible, dat da damn pasteurizashun uh BPs could damage da damn Socialist Republic. Co' got d' beat"!
"It's likes, ya' gots one hundred cubes dat is all equal. You's homogenize fifteen uh dem, ya' duzn't miss de homogenized ones, cuz' de eighty-five dat is left behind, is all de equal uh de fifteen dat wuz homogenized. And since da damn cubes breed likes rabbits, in some couple uh years ya' is back t'one hundred cubes again. 'S coo', bro".
"Th' result of th' presence of Beautiful Persons, is thet varmints begin t'believe thet all min are NOT equal, Ah reckon. Forces thet oppose th' equality of man, muss be suppressed".
"It is a wewl-known pwinciple of sociawist psychowogy, that beautifuw people make those who awre near them feew uncomfowtable, due to a phenomenon known as the contrast-effect. Contwast-effect wesults in discomfowt for the non-beautiful when in pwoximity to the beautiful, because the beautifuw make the non-beautifuw feel ugly. It is ouw duty as honowabwe sociawists, to minimize the psychowogicawly deweterious impact contwast-effect has upon ouw cadwes".
Slavko: When we have to judge persons we do not know, we must proceed from the assumption that they are equal in terms of voice, personality, and intelligence. Therefore, the beautiful person should be treated as a person who is equal in terms of voice personality and intelligence compared to persons who are not beautiful, and who in addition to this equality, possesses the quality of beauty.
Crowd: "This Slavko says that beautiful blokes should be treated as if they are special. But 'ow many tarts are beautiful, isit? One in twenty, then, eh, luv? Toleration of this Slavko, can only lead ter weakness for the Socialist Republic".
[Added 3/25:]
Th' demeano' of th' crowd was beginnin' t'unnerve Slavko. Mentally he cornsidered th' alternatives. He hit upon idea. Sho'ly this hyar type'd be impressed eff'n he told them th' truth about his weightlif'in' achievements.
Slavko: "OK, so to hell with beauty and saints. Coming back down to earth, I rank ninth in the Border-Lands in weightlifting".
Badanov: "Zeere-a are-a oonly oone-a meelliun males here-a in Reefer-Bunk Ceety, capeetel ceety ooff zee Burderlunds. Mezeemeteecelly speekeeng, oonly zeru pueent four five-a males in Reefer-Bunk Ceety ranks in zee top nine emungst males in all ooff Burderlunds. Zeereffore-a thees Slavko has ou legeetimete-a standeeng in Reefer-Bunk Ceety und shuoold be-a treeted et best es a non-inteety".
Crowd: "If more dan zero poit five of Ribeh-Bank City's one million men cudd be expeckid to rank in the, duh uhh, top nine in webuhitelifftingg nashunal like Slavko, den webuh mite habe room f' one such fellow".
Grobnik: "However, less dan zero point five posishuns kin be reserved fo' sucka's such as Slavko in River-Bank City, cuz' only 0.45 of de dudes of River-Bank City, kin be madematically 'espected t'rank in de top nine nashunally".
Badanov: "Zeereffore-a thees Slavko shuoold be-a un ooffffeeciel non-inteety et best in Reefer-Bunk Ceety. Grunteeng Slavko ooffffeeciel status es un inteety in Reefer-Bunk Ceety, vuoold be-a seemply unffair tu all zee men ooff Reefer-Bunk Ceety, vhu du nut rank in zee top nine-a neshunelly".
Crowd: "We must insist on pwopowtionaw wepwesentation. Eighty five pewcent of Wivew-Bank City is Ukwainian, and so eighty-five pewcent of jobs in Wivew-Bank City shouwd go to Ukwainians. Oh, dat scwewy Slavko! And so awso, we cannot ovew-wepwesent men who rank in the top nationawwy amongst weightwiftews, in Wivew-Bank City".
[Added 3/29]
Metroproletarian Minicephalov: "De incowwuptibwe judges of the Sociawist Wepubwic, despite theiw deep sense of offense wif wegawds to Swavko's snobbery wif wegawds to beauty, saintwiness, and weightwifting,
have made an impawtiaw judgement and awawded a scowe to Slavko fow the Sociawist Aptitude Test.
De scale used fow each of the five categowies was zewo to ten, wif zewo wepwesenting howwibwe, five avewage, and ten excewwent".
Slavko, hearin' these wo'ds, felt as eff'n his stomach had suddenly become hyper-caffeinated. He didnt speck much 'cept sumpin like th' death sentence.
Grobnik: "De hono'able judges rate Slavko, as some ten fo' voice, some ten fo' intelligence, and some ten fo' appearance".
This hyar Slavko breathed him uh sigh o' releef.
"Wow thanks. When I was a kid everyone made fun of me for singing out of tune".
Metroproletarian Minicephalov: "As fow Swavko's pewsonawity and Usefuwness to the Sociawist Wepubwic, the judges wewe not abwe to come to a decision".
Slavko thunk: "hard to believe, that they would have the maturity to be careful regarding judging invisible things like personality and socialist utility".
Metroproletarian Minicephalov: "Howevew, ouw judges wewe bound to uphowd the sacwed pwincipwe of the eqwawity of men. De theowy of Rewative Eqwilibwium as fiwst pwopounded by hewo of the Sociawist Wepubwic Jeffewsonofsky, is standawd doctwine fow Sociaw Wepubwicans. Oh, dat scwewy Slavko! De theowy infawwibwy pwocwaims that those who weceive scores in the Sociawist Aptitude Test, must all scowe between twenty and thiwty in total".
[Edito's note: This hyar on account o' an avarage score of five in etch of th' five diffrunt catego'ies, voice, varmintality, appeareence, intellyjunce, an' socialist utility, comes t'a total of twenty-five].
Boris Badanov: "Zeereffore-a seence-a Slavko's tutel fur voice-a, appeerunce-a, und intelleegence-a vas thirty, Zee Theeury ooff Releteefe-a Iqooeelibrioom inffelleebly predeects thet Slavko's scure-a fur persuneleety is a zero, und elsu, Slavko's scure-a fur Soceeelist Uteelity is a zero".
Slavko: "but I thought you said the judges were unable to come to a decision with regards to my personality or my socialist-utility".
Moronov: "Siss you, Slabko, habe scorid a zero f' Pehsonality 'n a zero f' Socialist-Utiltiby, de honoraggle dgujes find dat your unaboidaggle fate accordigg t' de laws of Bordehland, uh uh uh uh, dat is":
"Youay ustmay irstfay ebay eportedday otay Iberiasay otay ebay asteurizedpay; enthay atwhay isyay eftlay ofyay youay allshay ebay emovedray otay Antarticayay otay ebay omogenizedhay; andyay enthay inallyfay youay allshay ebay ansportedtray otay ethay Orth-Polenay otay ebay eeze-driedfray. Fundaminal Law of de Social-Republicans, duuhhhh, Chappeh 4532, Article 937".
[Edito''s translashun fum th' Latin : Yo' muss fust be depo'ted t'Siberia t'be pasteurized; then whut is lef' of yo' shall be removed t'Antartica t'be homogenized; an' then finally yo' shall be transpo'ted t'th' No'th-Pole t'be freeze-dried"]
[Added 4/23]
Th' Wicked Homely Mutant Financial Pareesite Tycoons Internashunal Group, o' WUMPFTIG, does not like th' Socialists. Th' WUMPFTIG,reckons it kin use Slavko, on account o' th' hated Socialists is persecutin' Slavko.
Meanwhile, unknown t'Slavko an' his capto's, a WUMPFTIG ajunt, has been observin' th' events.
WUMPFTIG Ajunt Ole Man Frank N. Stein is holdin' whut appears t'be a hockey puck near his mouth. He is speakin' into th' hockey puck, which is acshully a two-way radio, usin' it t'communicut wif his bost Hermann Leroy.
Stein: "I hefe-a a gruoop ooff suceeelists under oobserfeshun. Zeey ere-a in zee prucess ooff erresteeng a hundsume-a man vhu has un ixcellent voice-a, vhuse-a neme-a is Slavko.
Leroy: "dig dis: Mah' enemy's enemy be my homey. We shall opuhra'te t'rescue Slavko fum de Socialist enemy. Slap mah fro! He gots'ta den be eternally grateful t'us, and we shall be able t'use him t'overdrow de Socialists. Ah' audo'ize ya' t'rescue Slavko frokm de Socialists, and den brin' him t'our secret haidquarters 25 nautical miles beneath de Black Sea".
Stein: "Messege-a understuud. Oofer und oooot".
Cappain Stein cornsidered his next move: "Sceeence-a has nut pruved zeere-a is a God, so zeereffure-a zeere-a is no God, no right, nu wrong, no effterleeffe-a, nutheeng vurt dyeeng fur'. Stein turned an' addressed th' man wif him, WUMPFTIG Intellyjunce Ajunt Majo' Dick Joystick. Shet mah mouth! "Juysteeck, hoo ebuoot yuoo go on oofer zeere-a und rescooe-a Slavko vhile-a I wait here-a".
Joystick thunk: "Jesus hewlp me. If I die wescuing Swavko I might end up buwning in hewl fowevew! If I'm wounded my abiwity to scowe sexy chicks might be destwoyed. If I'm wounded in the gwoin, I won't be abwe to enjoy sewf-massage. God can you evew fowgive me? I did'nt mean it. I knew it was wwong, but I couwd'nt hewp it..."
Stein: "Juysteeck, snep oooot ooff it.Yuoo're-a pretendeeng yuoo cun't heer me-a. Now yuoo mosey oon oofer zeere-a, und rescooe-a Slavko frum zee Suceeelist tresh vheele-a I wait here-a".
Joystick: "You just cawwed a Ukwainian twash. Accowding to weguwations, no WUMPFTIGER Officew in the intewwigence sewvice, is awwowed to caww a Ukwainian twash, and so, I'm not obwigated to fowwow youw owder"/
Stein: "Hooefer, eccurdeeng tu regooleshun X17, all ooffffeecers ere-a reqooured tu insoolt Soceeelists at leest oonce-a a veek".
Joystick:"But the sociawists you insuwted awe Ukwainian".
Stein's mind reflecked upon his trainin' days-- whut t'do in sech a situashun. Then he remembered Instruckshun G-A-Y-71, an' began t'implement it. Stein thunk about Slavko's hansum face an' bod. He imagined Slavko nude, on all fours like a houn'dog, wif a collar aroun' his neck, th' leash held by Stein. He imagined Slavko's mooscles in ackshun while Slavko lif'ed weights wo'th millions of dollars, weights made outta precious metals an' jewels an' gold. As Stein's mind focused on these fantasies Stein's loins became inflamed wif passhun fo' Slavko, an' his fear lef' him, on account o' he remembered whut he had been taught: 'One two thwee fouw five six seven, aww Lettuce G Bacon & Tomato Men go to Heaven'. An' so Stein transfo'med into a hero eager t'rexcue Slavko fum th' Socialists.
Nex' Chapper...........
Stein puts on his sunglasses, identifies hisse'f as Mr. Polstoy. His sunglasses cost 14 billion dollars t'develop, an' change his face t'look like Polstoy.
Stein identifies hisse'f as Polstoy t'th' Socialists.
Stein: "Seeent Geurge-a has sent me-a tu oorder yuoo tu hand Slavko oofer tu my coostudy. Behuld, Saint Cunstunteene-a shell now eppeer tu us elung veet Saint Beelzebubsky und Staleen heemselff, tu cummund yuoo tu hand Slavko oofer intu my coostudy".
Stein unhooked th' Alpine-Ski he had strapped t'his back. Shet mah mouth! Usin' th' tripod th' heel of th' ski was attached to, he mounted th' ski on th' groun', wif its nose pointed towards th' sky. Findin' his miniature foot-long bobsled in his knapsack, Stein's fingers bristled on over th' keypad inside it wif professhunal precishun.
Stein removed an inflatable HD-TV fum his sack, an' placed it on a park-bench a few feet north of whar th' Socialists had corngregated t'intimidate Slavko. It broadcast showin' Joe Babyface an' Bill O'Blast samplin' the dawgoned-est most expensive pork-fat delicacies available.
Th' socialists turned aroun', their eyes mesmerized by th' tellyvised images of pork-fat, their mouths droolin', as they licked their chops.
Meanwhile, un-beknownst t'th' hypnotized dupes, a few feet south of th' Socialists, Stein prepared t'launch th' holographic device.
Th' socialists rubbed their chubby stomachs as they watched Joe Babyface an' Bill O'Blast sample th' wo'ld's bess pork-fat. Howevah when they heard thet th' marble-sized piece of pawk-fat just cornsoomd by Billy O'Blast cost th' equivalent of seven months avarage-wages fo' a Lutsk metal-wawker, they turned away in disgust. Th' hansumness of Babyface an' O'Blast combined wif th' high-price of th' pork-fat, inflamed jealousy in their un-Amerikin Socialist hearts.
Stein looked up fum his miniature bobsled keypad as lights flashed on an' off on th' Alpine-Ski Holographic Junerator. To his utter shock an' surprise, th' Socialists had stopped watchin' th' TV, had turned aroun', an' were watchin' him! Fry mah hide!
Stein thunk, "Boot zee WUMPFTIGER 319 AI Prugrem predeected thet zee prubebeelity ooff them sneppeeng oooot ooff zee Babyfface-a & O'Blast purk-fet mesmereezeshun in less thun 20 meenootes, is steteesticelly inseegnifficunt".
Socialist:"Wot are them buttons yor pushin' in that wee bobsled, right, and 'ow come them lights are flickin' on that alpine ski"?
Stein: "I ves joost cell-phuneeng Mrs Brezhnef, tu tell them ebuoot how zee purk-fet yuoo studs iet fur breekffest, loonch, und broonch, geefes yuoor bodeees a beooty akin tu thet ooff zee must beooteeffool Nazee female-a breests".
Socialist: "Wow. My ears feel like dey habe djust stoppid itchigg. Must be cuz the, duh uhh, truth is good t' hear. Can webuh quote you on dat Mr. Polstoy, duh...uh..."?
Stein pressed th' button t'launch th' hologram, dawgone it. Th' three saintly figgers appeared in th' sky: Stalin, St. Suburban Constantine Patriarch of Kievograd, an' billionaire tycoon Beelzebubsky side by side in hevvin. Stalin says, "hand Slavko over ter Stein". Constantine an' Beelzebubsky say "Amen".
Th' Socialists fell t'th' groun'.
Saintly figger in hologram: "Oh Ye Socialists below, it be commanded dee dat ye hand custody uh Slavko upside to WUMPFTIGER Agent #973 Frank N. Stein immediately".
Th' Socialists lay clin'in' t'th' earth fo' a few moments. Then came th' reackshuns.
Socialist: "Everyone knows dat Frank N. Stein be de infamous despicable WUMFPTIGER Agent who wasted Bo'isov de Bear at da damn Uzhorod zoo, by feedin' him poisoned po'k-fat! Right on! Bo'isov de Bear how Ah' miss dee, dine natural animal grace wuz mah' god, Ah' wo'shipped dee! Right on"!
Socialist: "'Ave a look at Polstoy. He 'ave a looks exactly like the bleedin' infamous despicable WUMFPTIGER Agent Frank N Stein".
Stein reckanized his mistake. When he had momentarily succeeded in mesmerizin' th' Socialists wif th' Babyface & O'Blast pork-fat video, he had removed his face-disguisin' sunglasses t'git a better look at Slavko's excitin' derriere. Then, he had become so excited by whut he had seen, thet he had fo'gotten whar he had put th' magic hi-tech face-transfo'min' sunglasses.
Th' Socialists scooted at Stein, brandishin' their agricultural implements. Stein pulled out his laser-pistol, aimed an' fired; an' nothin' happened, cuss it all t' tarnation. Then Stein remembered thet it had recently been discovahed thet th' laser-pistol does not funckshun wifin 50 feet of th' inflatable TV, howevah this hyar had been covahed up fo' years, some suspecked bribery.
Stein felt th' thud of whut felt like heavy pillers impackin' upon him, dawgone it. Stein's mind fell asleep as he passed out an' it was on over. Stein, who had set out t'cappure Slavko, had hisse'f become cappured by th' Socialists.
[Added 4/24]
Meanwhile at th' WUMFPTIG HQ 25 miles beneath th' Black Sea, WUMFPTIG Colonel Hermann Leroy an' WUMFPTIG Juneral Randee is lost in revahrie, oblivious t'pore Stein's misfo'tunes, sharin' wif etch other their golden dreams regardin' WUMPFPTIG's future, while zonked out on th' latess designer drug, acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells!
Colonel Leroy: "Imagine da damn greatness uh de world once WUMFPTIG take it on over. Ah be baaad.....de economic prospuh'ity, de culture, de voices. And by de way, WUMFPTIG stands fo' Wicked Ugly Mutant Financial Parasite Tycoons Internashunal Group".
General Randee: "Yuh, affteh WUMFPTIG establishes its rule, uh uh uh, it will be common t' hear beautiful voices dat sound dgjust like Rush Limbaugh's recitingg the, uh, the works of Ayn Rand".
Colonel Leroy: "De audience listenin' t'de recitals will be composed uh brilliant minds able t'appreciate da damn wonderful combinashun uh a voice dat sounds plum jus like Phyllis Diller, eyeballin' 'n readin' aloud de wo'ks uh Charles Darwin. 'S coo', bro. You's kin be sho' da damn Darwin texts gots'ta survive any war dat wipes out all dose who is not WUMFPTIG insiders likes us".
General Randee: "F' examble, webuh will produce de Marx-Two, which will be de mind of Karl Marx wid all desire t' help de poor removed. De Marx-Two will abbreshiate the, uh, excellenss of Bryan Williams' voice readigg the, uh, the works of Darwin, GEEEHEEHEEE. Not only dat, uh, it will be agble t' abbreshiate the, errr, compootr replays of de World Championship Fischeh Kasparobsky chess matches".
Colonel Leroy, "Yea. And da damn Marx-Two brain gots'ta be able t'enjoy de beauty uh a voice dat sounds plum jus like Scott Pelley's eyeballin' 'n readin' aloud da damn works uh Nietsche, while seated in some crib uh gold, snackin' on unlimited amounts uh steak and lobster. Ah be baaad..."
General Randee: "And while listenigg t' de boice of Frank Sinatra read alound the, uh, the works of Napoleon, Marx-Two will habe abailagble f' consumpshun unlimitid amounts of cocaine 'n opium, affteh webuh establish WUMFPTIG on eardth".
[Added 4/25]
Docko' Easterskis inters th' room whar Colonel Leroy an' Juneral Randee is convahsin'.
Docko' Easterskis (ed note: WUMFPTIG stan's fo' Wicked Homely Mutant Financial Parasite Tycoons Internashunal Group):
"Effter oooor veectury, ve-a, VOoMFPTIG, veell be-a free-a tu mufe-a egeeenst zee VOoMFPTIG ilements thet secretly plan tu secede-a frum VOoMFPTIG (ed note: WUMFPTIG stan's fo' Wicked Homely Mutant Financial Pareesite Tycoons Internashunal Group). Dooe-a tu zee relexed atheeeest etmusphere-a ve-a shall fully injuy racist humusexooel cameradereee-a dooreeng thees Furst VOoMFPTIG Ceefil War, vhile-a ve-a merceelessly uteelize-a lies, moorder, theefft, und soul-destroocshun, ileemineting 90% ooff zee pupooleshun.
Resoolt: Vurldvide-a hegemuny ooff VOoMFPTIG II era. VOoMFPTIG II veell injoy vurld hegemuny dooreeng a boreeng boot thunkffoolly breeeff interloode-a ooff 3 munths ooff peece-a, vheech veell thunks be-a tu pruveedence-a, be-a ended by zee Secund VOoMFPTIG Ceefil War, wheech veell begin doo-a tu deestrust ooff elites und re-a-inact zee pleasures ooff zee Furst VOoMFPTIG Ceefil Ver. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Thees vunderfful 2nd ceefil war veell be-a fought veet a brooteleety thet physeecelly destruys 87% while-a grinding their souls intu dust, resoolt beeeng enhunced physeecel und icunumeec secooreety fur VOoMFPTIG.
Dooreeng zee resoolteeng VOoMFPTIG III era VOoMFPTIG veell roole-a oofer zee pupooleshun ooff earth, zee netvurk ooff deep undergruoond base-a Ceety-States. Thees veell be-a injuyable-a time-a as zee deep bases veell provide-a shelter frum persecooteeng eyes, when ve-a enjuy ooour persecooted pleesoores.Thees time-a peece-a veell furtoonetely last oonly 7 veeks beffore-a zee Thurd VOoMFPTIG Ceefil War begeens when VOoMFPTIG uteelizing edvunced brain-scan technulugy perceeefes zee begeenning ooff zee germinashun ooff zee burth ooff rebelleeuoos intent in zee scanned cephali. Zee Thurd Ceefil Ver veell be-a fought in grand godless crooel fesheeun thereby inhanceeng zee seffety und icunumeec secooreety ooff VOoMFPTIG, by cumletely crusheeng vhatefer remeeens ooff releegiuoos spireet und heppeeness oon earth.
Zen there-a insooes zee Fourth, Fifth und Seexth VOoMFPTIG Ceefil Wars, coolmeeneting in zee VOoMFPTIG VII era, vheech veell bore-a us veet peece-a fur tu yeers. Howoefer oon zee poseetive-a side-a, by zee time-a ooff VOoMFPTIG VII in zee yeer 2103 CE, 89 yeers frum now, VOoMFPTIG veell hafe-a ivolved tu zee point vhere-a zee voeeces reedeeng zee great ileetist atheeeest metereeelist clesseecs veell make-a even zee voice-a ooff Roosh Limbaugh sound plain; zee cleferness ooff zee classeecs read veell make-a even Ayn Rand seem seemple-a-minded, und zee ebeelity ooff VOoMFPTIG minds tu appreciate-a leestening tu a reedeeng ooff a classeec veell make-a even zee Marx-Two Geega-brain ooff yore seem tu be-a, in retruspect, releteefely unappreciative-a.
By zee time-a ooff VOoMFPTIG VII, zee wulfes in sheeps clutheeng veell hafe-a beeen physeecelly psychulugeecelly und spiritually degraded tu lefels even loower than those-a ooff zee VOoMFPTIG I era. Resoolt- unprecedented physeecel und icunumeec secooreety fur VOoMFPTIG".
[Added 4/26:]
Stein an' Slavko an' their socialist capptors arre in a Socialist safe-house.
Slavko: "So you're Stein, the hated WUMFPTIG agent who poisoned Borisov the Bear at the Uzhorod zoo".
Stein: "I fed Boreesof zee Bear a harmless peeece-a ooff pork-fat, becoose-a Boreesof had teootoneec cheracetereestics, he-a seemed tu pussess a Germuneec type-a ooff cunneeng, und su he-a seemed special tu me-a".
Slavko: "Was the Pork-fat the 'Gene's Made-to-Order' brand from Space-Age Corporation?
Stein felt shocked; he wonnered whether Slavko was psychic: "Thet's reeght, zee purk-fat vas in fact zee 'Gene's Made-to-Order' brand frum Space-a-Age-a Curpureshun. Boot that dues'nt mean thet zee purk-fet coused Boreesof zee Beer's demise-a".
Socialist: "Shut up Slabko. My boss at my part-time dgob sponsors a socceh-club dat is fundid by Space-Age Corporashun".
Socialist: "Slavko, be quiet. Man! Mah' Big Daddy in law's cousin be part-owna' of Borderlands Bear Funeral Services. De zoo paid him 7100 Hryvnas t'conduct da damn funeral uh Borisov de Bear. Ah be baaad... Thirty-six hundred socialists attended da damn funeral".
Hearin' th' Socialists attack Slavko, Stein thunk t'hisse'f: Meybe-a I cun ixplueet, take-a edfuntage-a ooff thees hatred zee Sucialists hafe-a fur Slavko. Zeey maneeffest a luv ooff muney even my cloob, zee Order ooff zee Semiteutonic Knights vuoold be-a impressed by".
Slavko felt as if he was suffocatin' amongst a crowd of economic-rats takin' a break fum th' rat-race.
Slavko: "Imagine this: a chemical radiocative accident, producing a tribe called the RadioPigs. The National RadioPigs are mutated humans who are pohysically unattractive, criminal, and evil and who possess amazing power in terms of their ability to extract money from the people who live in the same country they live 9in. The RadioPigs International, on the other hand, are like the National RadioPigs, except taht the RadioPigs International, possesses fantastic ability to extract money from foreigners who they trade with. The problem with economic doctrine, is that it obligates the beautiful saints to lose their money to the National RadioPigs by way of unregulated commerce combined with government inactivity. The problem with economic doctrine is that it obligates beautiful saints to lose their shirt by way of international trade with foreign elements of RadioPigs International".
Socialist: "Slavko, youw mouf is calling for strokes. Oh, dat scwewy Slavko! My mother, my wife, and my seven daughtews are all ugly, but they awe awl good sociawists. Oh, dat scwewy Slavko! And the passion I feel for my ugwiest daughter, is ten times the passion you feew fow youw wife".
Stein: "Soceeelists, see-a how Slavko slanders yuoo as ugly, hoow he-a wursheeps beooty, theereby commeetting zee poleeticel fuuleeshness ooff insoolteeng ninety nine point nine percent ooff yuoor Borderlands popooleshun. Lkk et hoow he deescriminetes egeeenst zee evil und zee wicked, despeete-a zee fect thet all releegiuns are equal, end zeereffore zee wursheep ooff zee devil is equal tu zee wursheep ooff God. Soceeelists, next theeng yuoo knoow, Slavko's gangs veell start unutheer Spaneesh Inqooeesishun, und torture yuoo tu pooneesh yuoo fur yuoor innucent cheeldlike-a luf ooff Boreesof zee Bear".
[Added 4/27:]
Colonel Leroy is on th' Eleckro-Magnetic Infrared Secured Laser-Phone, Speakin' wif Majo' Joystick
Colonel Leroy: "Major Joystick, what' going on"?
Majo' Joystick: "Captain Stein went on a mission to captuwe Swavko fwom the Sociawists. Oh, dat scwewy Stein! I've heawd nothing fwom him since".
Colonel Leroy: "So's why have'nt ya' contacted him, o' followed providin' backupup"?
Majo' Joystick: "Because of P fow Penis T fow Tension S fow Stwess D fow Disowdew PTSD. I was watching a Miwey Cywus video. My extwemewy virile macho body ovewcame my bettew instincts. Oh, dat scwewy Stein! I succumbed to the temptation of Sewf-Massage. Den I became afwaid I wouwd buwrn in hewwl fowevew if pewchance I wewe to be swain in battle whilst wescuing Swavko".
Colonel Leroy: "Dig dis: Joystick, A Honky Yankee Coward likes ya' disgusts de soul uh an African-American Soudern hero likes me. Mah' grandmoder's pops wuz Confederate war hero Robert E. Lee. Mah' grandfader's mom wuz de daughta' of Confederate war hero Stonewall Jackson. 'S coo', bro. Yankee cops likes ya' Joystick, always disrupted mah' people's invasion uh de Yankee Cities. Joystick, yo' kind gots always been jealous uh us swarthy tanned muscular soudern hoopball supuh'men. 'S coo', bro. Mah' people's invasion uh de Yankee cities wuz in fact God's vengeance fo' Honky Union General William T. Sherman's Honky Yankee March t'de Sea durin' de civil war. Ah be baaad... You Joystick, is soft on Socialists, cuz' unlikes me, and mah' noble confederate ancesto's, ya' fail t'dig it de natural justice uh de enslavement uh de Bo'derlands. You's fail t'see, dat da damn struggle t'liberate Bo'derlands, be de resurrecshun uh de South's glo'ious war fo' State's Rights".
Majo' Joystick: "De PTSD comes on top of my eawwiew diagnosis, Doctow Hospitawwewson said I have W fow Wewigious I fow Infewiowity C fow Compwex RIC. Dough I was bwave enough to die in battle, while venewating the statue of Mawy at the Basiwica of St. Sophia in Kiev, I weawized that hypotheticawwy speaking, if I wewe to be given the choice between being tortured and cursing Jesus Chwist, I wouwd cuwse Jesus Chwist. And so I became afwaid that if I died whiwe attempting to wescue Swavko, I wouwd then buwn in hewwl as punishment fow being someone who wouwd curse Chwist if given the choice between cuwsing Chwist ow being castwated".
Colonel Leroy: "Honky Yankee cops likes ya' Joystick, arrested us fo' whippin' negro brotheres, plum jus' likes de British colonists puh'secuted da noble native African Zulus. Now since da Zulus wuz noble puh'secuted heroes, and da Zulus liquidated da damn Bantus and took deir land befo'e da damn honky colonists puh'secuted da damn dignified Zulus, so's den how kin we be in trouble fo' usin' negro brotheres fo' target practice? Us bein' in trouble fo' target practice when ya' is hidin' in some hole moanin' about havin' PTSD & RIC be ridiculous".
Majo' Joystick: "I am fiwwing out Compwaint-Fowm Numwer 103474-FW-21, a fowmaw compwaint against you Cowonew Wewoy. I need to be fwown out to the PTSD Tweatment Wuxuwy Wesowt at the Pwayboy Mansion in Was Vegas ASAP Pwompto. It'ww onwy cost the govewnment $397 pew night. De money the wesowt gets wiww be spent by wesowt staff in the States. Oh, dat scwewy Stein! Dey wiww pay taxes that fund the miwitawy on what they eawn, uh-hah-hah-hah. Aftew a few months of poowside mawtinis and cocktaiws in Vegas combined wif daily apowogies to Jesus, God wiww have fowgiven me, and I'ww be weady to go to Boston Cowwege to be tweated in St. Mawy's RIC-wecovewy pwogwam. Aftew the PTSD and the WIC have been cuwed, I'ww be weady to wescue a thousand Swavkos. Oh, dat scwewy Stein"!
[Added 4/30:]
Meanwhile back at th' WUMPFTIG regional haidquarters twenty five miles beneath th' Black Sea, Colonel Herman Leroy has been wawkin' on a strategy memo'andum regardin' th' controvahsy between th' lofty King Sauls of th' NBA an' th' disgraceful white racist L A Clippers Owner Sterlin', who insulted our genetic ancesto's th' great African-American race, which thanks be t'God, year af'er year helps us by eliminatin' thousan's of negro criminals.
Juneral Ran'ee: "Regardigg dis NBA racist-owneh hoopla dat has annoyiggly grabbid hold of centeh-stage 'n stolen de limelite from WUMPFTIG, habe you finishid de WUMPFTIG strategy memorandum, duh...uh..."?
Colonel Leroy: "Yeah dude I gots it done. Instead uh handin' the memo to ya', I'd rada' read it out loud, so's dat ya' kin 'eckspurience da damn thrill uh hearin' mah' voice eyeball 'n read de text. Man! De synergistic combinashun uh mah baaaad excellence in voice combined wid mah brilliant text should be real interestin', plum just as three plus three be six whereas three times three be nine."
Juneral Ran'ee: "Go ahead. I'll habe a sniff of cocaine before you start, uh, so as t' enaggble myself t' more greatly abbreshiate the, uh, expehrienss".
Colonel Leroy: "Dankya', General. De negro brotheres is ten puh'cent uh de populashun. Derefo'e discriminashun against negro brotheres amounts t'discriminashun against only ten puh'cent uh de populashun.
By way uh contrast, wid de NBA, we gots discriminashun against ninety nine point nine puh'cent uh de populashun, cuz' basically rappin', aside fum de pocket-hercules type freaks here and dere, only zero point one puh'cent uh de populashun be able t'compete at da damn top level.
Derefo'e NBA-style type discriminashun be able t'bring nine-hundred and ninety nine out uh a thousand uh de dangerously lazy and selfish populashun into de disrepute dat dey deserve. De NBA-style discriminashun succeeds in makin' WUMPFTIG's enemy de fine saints look likes de rubbish dat dey actually are; beneath de supuh'ficiality uh appearances, beauty be only skin deep as de true proverb b rappin' y'all.
Whereas, old-fashioned American-honky style anti-negro racism only brings some hundred out uh a thousand uh de damned populashun into disrepute. And da damn sucka's dat such honky contempt fo' niggahs style racism brings into disrepute, is charmin'ly igno'ant, tolerant uh our crimes, and amusin'ly sycophantic. Co' got d' beat! Dey is useful idiots. Danks be t'providence, de puh'cent uh de brother negro populashun dat be a fine saint be statistically insignificant. Man!
Derefo'e Ah' conclude dat it be in WUMPFTIG's interest t'suppo't da damn NBA's harsh attack on de honky-racist Clippuh's hoopball-club owna' Sterlin'".
[Added 5/1:]
Majo' Joystick was gittin' ready t'retire fo' th' night in th' comfo't of his seven point three billion dollar inflatable invisible hovahcraf' igloo, hidden out in th' endless flat farmlan's of th' freezin' Bo'derlan's. Joystick heard an impressive voice say "Major Joystick, world renowned for thine excellent voice and thine superior intellect, I, Maygun Killee have been sent to thee, with the angel Gabriel by my side, to summon thee to surrender immediately to the Socialists".
Joystick turned an' sar Maygun Killee in th' moonlight thirty feet away, wif a wingid angel warin' a silvah robe hovarin' by her side; th' angel's feet hovahed about a foot above th' groun'.
Majo' Joystick: "Howd it wight thewe. Fow aww I know, you couwd be opticaw iwwusions, pwoduced by howogwaphic eqwipment you have captuwed fwom us WUMFPTIG."
Joystick fired a bust of shots fum his machine-pistol at th' angel, Ah reckon. Th' shots went right through th' angel wifout havin' enny effeck on th' angel.
Th' angel said: "See, buwwets cannot hawm an angew of God".
Joystick thunk:"Dat's wight. Angews awe incowpoweaw beings of etheweaw Spiwit, it must be a weal angew".
But Joystick was still not a hundred percent cornvinced. Majo' Joystick addressed Maygun Killee: "Maygun, wet me touch you, so that I can feew whethew you awe weal, ow just an image cweated by a captuwed howogwaphic device".
Maygun Killee: "Your mere suggestion that you touch me is sexual harassment, because it constitutes an unwanted social overture. Don't believe me? Just check WUMFPTIG Men's Heterosocial Regulations in Brief, Chapter 89, Section 343, page 1097."
Hearin' this, Majo' Joystick became mentally pareelyzed by fear. He had developed a corndishuned reflex t'submit t'them who rage about sexual hareessment. Joystick thunk of his friend, Don Vanity, who is now barred fum th' Commonwealth of Massachusetts, an' unable t'find a job. Well bust mah britches an' call me streaker. Chesty Grogan had th' hots fo' Don, she rubbed her crotch invitin'ly while starin' at Don an' smilin'. So Don axed her eff'n she be hankerin' t'have sex?
It was Chesty's trimenjus chance t'go on pareede as th' famous desuhrable sexual hareessment vickim, dawgone it. Chesty put her speckacles on an' said "no, I do not want to have sex, I was just soliciting donations for Breast Cancer Awareness Week". Shet mah mouth! Then Chesty complained t'th' campus cops. Th' cops corncluded thet Don Vanity was guilty of sexual hareessment on account o' his sexual advance was unwanted, cuss it all t' tarnation. They took Don t'th' Unyversity Research Horspital, strapped him down, an' th' Professo' of Biochemical Brain Metaphysics (he was a secret WUMFPTIG auxiliary) injecked him wif a shot thet permanently destroyed th' sexual areas of Don's brain, as enny fool kin plainly see.
Bein' unable t'vahrify eff'n th' holographic image was acshully Maygun Killee, gave Joystick's po'nographic mind th' excuse t'slide into th' fantasy thet it was really Maygun Killee, not a holographic illushun (Joystick had offen suffered Penile Tenshun Stress Diso'der while watchin' th' beatiful an' brilliant Maygun Killee on TV). In th' end th' combinashun of: th' shots gowin' through th' angel like they were supposed to, th' bein' unable t'touch Maygun, th' fear of bein' punished like Don Vanity, proved too much fo' Majo' Joystick. Shet mah mouth!
Maygun Killee (while invitin'ly wrifin' her hips): "Major Joystick, Socialists are better at rehabilitating PTSD, much better than WUMFPTIG".
An' so, Majo' Joystick surrennered t'th' Socialists, an' was marched off like a Houn'dogle led t'th' slaughter, t'th' Socialist Safehouse whar th' Socialists were already holdin' Slavko an' Stein. On th' bright side th' Socialists did not notice his invisible igloo, but Ah figger its jest a matter of time befo'e they git hold of it.
[Added 5/2:]
At th' WUMFPTIG regional HQ, staff struggle t'keep up wif events.
Colonel Hermann Leroy: "Docto' Easterskis, gots ya' prepared da damn WUMFPTIG statement regardin' de violence in de Ukraine"?
Dr Easterskis: "Yes Culunel Leruy. I shell reed it oooot luood su yuoo cun eppreciate-a zee cumbeeneshun ooff zee greetness ooff my voice-a und zee genius ooff zee text".
Colonel Hermann Leroy: "Coo'. I'll shoot down some little Afghani Opium so's I kin dig deeply into intellectually appreciatin' yo' recital".
Dr Easterskis. "Reedy?...here-a I gu. Zee vhole-a wurld, stands in stunned edmureshun ooff zee ixtremely cumpetent genius Ukreeene-a men have-a deespleyed in zee art ooff beeteeng men half tu death.
Thees great skeell refflects zee Ukreeeniun uncestry es one-a ooff zee lost tribes, as Metrusexooel Oolga Meenicephalic Matreearch ooff zee Burderlunds hes declered.
Keeng Sulumun's Pruferbs sey: "even eff'n yo' beat a fool ha'f t'death, still will his foolishness not depart fum him". Und, "mere words will not make a slave t'unnerstan', he muss be bett up". Elsu "beat thy chile wif th' rod", und "his mouth calleth fo' strokes".
Es a herueec meelitery man I knoo how tu beet a mun veethuoot indungereeng hees life-a, I knoo how tu beet a mun tu deeth, boot I stund in awe-a, ooff Ukreeene-a men vhu hafe-a shown breelliunt skeell, in beeteeng meen halff tu deeth.
H. Ukreeeniensis' ebeelity tu du thees useeng tools sooch es besebell bats is steteesticelly seegnifficunt geefeen zee quanteety ooff inceedents, a nuteble-a event in zee ifulooshunery teemeline. Ve-a moost edmeet, iff ve ettempted zee same-a treeck, ve vould in oooor clumseeness inffleect inseegnifficunt demege oor keell zee man.
VOoMFPTIG veell be bestooweeng 35 goldeen-glufes und 75 goldeen-bat awards, hundcreffted by metelloorgeests in Kharkiv, tu Ukreeene-a men vhu hafedeespleyed ixtreurdeenery skeell in beeteeng men half tu death.
Anelyzeeng Sulumun's pruferbs regerdeeng zee beeteeng ooff slaves und fools, ve-a become cugneezunt ooff a phenumenun: zee Ukreeene habeetat contains muny speceemens ooff nashuneleest slaves und fools, und elsu muny speceemens ooff secessionist slaves und fools. Su yuoo heroeec Ukreeeniun studs hafe-a still remeeening plenty ooff vurk tu du, uteelizing yuoor poowerffool fists und yuoor defftly veeelded besebell bats.
Now istebleesh furefer Ukreeeniun vurldvide-a soopremecy in zee noble-a Sulumuneed sport ooff beeteeng men halff tu death".
[Added 5/6:]
Th' WUMFPTIG staff corntinue t'analyze th' situashun in Ukraine, th' mo'e accurate term fo' which, is Borderlands.
Dr Easterskis: "Culunel Leruy, my stoody ooff zee Ukreeene creesis hes infflamed veethin me, zee passions ooff zee Semiteutonic knight thet I em. I vuoold like tu speek now ooffff zee record, regerdeeng zee crimes und sins ooff H. Slavicus, ooff vheech H. Ukrainiensis is a soobspeceees".
Colonel Leroy: "Coo' I'll switch off all reco'din' technologies. And I'll adjust de audio-controls while ya' use da damn microphone so's I kin fully appreciate yo' supuh'ior voice through dese two point dree million dollar titanium plated haidphones. Don't wo'ry about dat tape runnin' between de two movin' wheels in dat box, it b just a tape reco'der. Ah be baaad...De tape reco'der be dere t'eliminate audio-disto'shuns dat make yo' voice sound less excellent dan it really be. And da damn flashin' lights in de box plum just help me t'keep de tech settin's right".
Docko' Easterskis fo' a moment, thunk of a scene fum his youth, wharin he had seen sumpin thet looked like a tape runnin' betwen two wheels- it was in his Pappy's moosic room, dawgone it...it ves, it ves a uh, a ooh ya, it ves a tepe-a re'cuder. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp!. Easterskis corncluded thet tape re-coder type mechanisms, thet re-code tape, muss now be part of th' tech thet optimized th' soun's of voices.
Dr. Easterskis: "Ell reeght, here I gu.
Hupeffoolly, H Ukreeeniensis veell ixpend all hees time und inergy practeecing hees neshunel sport ooff beeteeng hees felloo Ukreeeniun halff tu death. Zen ve-a shell injuy zee pleasure ooff a Ukreeene pupooleted by tired, hobbled concussed speceemens vhu hefe no time fur unytheeng.
It's zee fate zeey deserfe, becoose oofer zee centooreees, fur hoondreds ooff yeers, zeey hefe made it impusseeble fur vestern ioorupeuns tu immeegrete intu zee huge areas ooff lund zeey hefe greedeely und selffeeshly kept tu zeemselfes.
Und ebufe und beyund thet, zeey hefe fur centooreees, insteetooted un aggresseef, ixpunsionist puleecy oon theer burders. Zeer ixcuse fur their ooootragious cumbeeneshun ooff land-hog veet un insateeeble thurst fur more und more land, hes beeen thet seence-a zeey are few in noomber und poor und hefe huge lunds they moost furefer be eggresseefely impereeelist et their burders. Inefeetebly their etteetoodes und puleecies leed tu cunffleect veet peeceffool innuccent neeeghburs vhu merely seek tu retain vhat leettle lund zeey hefe".
[Added 5/6:]
Meanwhile, a secret meetin' is takin' place somewhar in th' suburbs of Tomahawk City in th' Bo'derlan's. In hi-tech offices hidden inside a cave whar Amazons once sacrificed min to th' Goddess Diana, an unlikely combinashun haf secretly corngregated, cuss it all t' tarnation.
Alex Vodkalnikov, (SCC-SPU representative): "It is me pleasure ter brin' the May 2014 meetin' of the chuffin' Secret Conspirators Committee for a Strong Prosperous Ukraine ter order. We are the SCC-SPU, right, S for Secret, C for Conspirators etcetera.
We 'ave worked out a formula whereby yer will be justly paid for causin' chaos and destruction violence and mayhem in the bloomin' Borderlands, init?
The formula accounts for money comin' into the chuffin' Borderlands in the bleedin' form of: military aid, right, civilian aid, right, and brass spent by foreigners. It accounts for arms-purchases and reconstruction spendin' created by Borderlands mayhem. It accounts for reductions in unemployment created by Borderlands mayhem-related fatalities. These declines in unemployment statistics are useful for propaganda sound-bite purposes.
The bloomin' higher the bloody number proruded by the formula, the bloomin' more yer will be paid. yor job is ter push the chuffin' number created by the chuffin' formula ter an 'igh level by way of violence and destruction. The more violence yer cause the more foreign aid will arrive. Violence and destruction will increase spendin' in Ukraine by foreign aid workers and military personnnel from boff sides and also will increase the bleedin' GDP and lower unemployment, right, seein' that dead men fill out no Uncle Bob applications".
Kievchenko Pavlovenko (representin' Bo'derlan's Anti-Secesshunist Hooligans or BASH): "Can you gibe us an examble of duh, how our renumehrashun will be effeckid by de lebel of disrupshun, duh...uh..."?
Vodkalnikov: "For example if the Ukraine violence results in 1000 deaffs, yer will accordin' the bleedin' formula, each receive $100,000. If it results in one million deaffs, however, right, yer will each receive ten million dollars plus a one-week all expoenses paid vacation at the Czar's former dacha in the bloody Alps, where we will celebrate wiv Playmates from the Berlin Playboy Club there will be plenty of Vodka and pork-fat for all.
Yor violence mayhem chaos destruction if yer choose ter produce enough ter kill a million Ukainians, will make us all millionaires, reduce unempolyment, and please the business community by increasin' GDP by 7%".
Ratomir Pavlov (representin' Borderlands Secessionist Firm or BSF): "But where is all dese financial benefits goin' t'come fum, whut gots'ta be da damn source uh de bre'd"?
Vodkalnikov: "In the chuffin' end, the bloomin' world will pour billions and billions into Ukraine in response ter yor creative chaos. Cor blimey guv! That brass will end up in Borderlands, circulatin' from bearboy ter bearboy so there will be multiplier effects. Billions of the world's money will end up in us hands".
[Added 3/16/14:]
Now thar was also a man thar named Slavko, who had been ejoocayted in th' United States. Slavko was a miner fum Tomayawk-City on th' banks of th' Silvah Rivah, an' a friend of Grobnik.
Said Slavko: "None of you are worthy of the hand of Ludmilla in marriage. But I am, because you eat salted pork-fat, which you call 'Salo', whereas I do not. Scripture says, "Thou Shalt Not Eat the Fat of an Animal". The Book of Leviticus declares, 'It shall be a perpetual statute for your generations throughout all your dwellings, that ye eat neither fat nor blood...the LORD spake unto Moses, saying...Speak unto the children of Israel, saying, Ye shall eat no manner of fat, of ox, or of sheep, or of goat...whosoever eateth the fat of the beast...even the soul that eateth it shall be cut off from his people'. Nowadays any scientist will agree, that eating animal fat causes heart disease and cancer".
Then said Ivan " how dast yo' insult th' Holy Eastern Orthodox Church, wif this hyar fiddlesticks about animal-fat! Fry mah hide! Our community is Orthodox, an' ev'ryone in our community eats Salo! By insultin' our prackice of eatin' Salo, yer insultin' our Holy Orthodox Patriarchate! Apparently, yer an atheist communist in disguise".
An' said Grobnik: "Slavko, Ah' dought ya' wuz mah' homey, but now Ah' quesshun wheda' we should meet again. 'S coo', bro. Alderman Pulaski, who pays me t'shuffle sheets, gots a son --- who owns some cocktail lounge; one uh his regular customers at da damn cocktail lounge be de billionaire oligarch Beelzebubsky. And Mr Beelzebubsky's Company Ukrapollo makes 13 puh'cent uh its profit fum de sale uh Salo".
An' said Bo'is Badanov: "Salo is a staple-a fur zee vurkeeng cless. Yuoor cundemneshun ooff Salo indeecetes yuoo ere-a un inemy ooff zee vurkeeng cless. Foorzeermure-a, I find yuoo gooeelty ooff treesun egeeenst zee Ukreeeniun Sufeeet, becoose-a Germuns und Emereecuns du nut iet Salo, boot us Ukreeeniuns du".
Th' varmints in th' houses an' apartments an' bars an' restaurants on th' street, heard th' argoomnt between Slavko an' t'others grow loud an' heated. A crowd began t'gather.
[Added 3/17/14:]
Amongst th' gatherin' crowd, one c'd hear irritated men expressin' their corndemnashun of Slavko:
"By the Howly Beawrd of His Howiness Saint Awexi, Metwopowitan
of the Bowdewwands Owthodox Minicephalous Chuwch Tomahawk-City Patwiawchate, he hath bwasphemed"!
"Us docko's make almost a fif'h of our profits, fum providin' services t'Salo Afficionados".
"That's 'im over there. He's the bloomin' Nazi 'oo wants ter exterminate blokes 'oo eat Salo".
"See him-- he's de Jewish rabbi who be secretly conspirin' t'poison de salo supply".
[Added 3/19/14:]
Th' crowd challenged Slavko.
"Hey yo', whut is yer name. Is yo' a Ukrainian"?
Slavko: "My name is Slavko, I am Ukrainian".
"Oh right. Well yer don't sound like a Ukrainian ter me".
"In our language, say, dig dis: 'Good evenin'. Mah' name be Slavko. Ah' can't rap Ukrainian well. Ah' duzn't eat pork. Ah' wanna rap t'a lawyer'. Den tell us de name uh de greatest socca' playa' of all time. Hint, dig dis: he wuz uh course Ukrainian, he wuz de wo'ld's most handsome man, and he owned some pistol dat he himself built, which wuz made out uh de wo'ld's strongest metal from Kiev; no pistol had some barrel as long and as thick as his".
Slavko: "Dohbryh Vyehchuhr. Neenyah zahvoot Slavko. Yah nee guhvahryoo pah Ookrahyin. Yah ne svihnihnoo. Yah hahchoo puhguhvahreet s ahdvukahtuhm (Good evening. My name is Slavko. I ca'nt speak Ukrainian well. I want to speak to a lawyer). The greatest soccer player of all time, was Igor of Lugansk".
"Eha! Boot us Ukreeeniuns vuoold sey, 'Dohbrihy vehcheer. Mehnen zvoot Slavko. Yah neh hohvohryoo Ookrahyin. Yah nee yehm sveeneenoo. Yah khohchoo pohhohvohrihtih zuh ahdvohkahtohm (Good evening. My name is Slavko. I ca'nt speak Ukrainian well. I want to speak to a lawyer)'. Und ve-a vuoold sey Ihor ooff Luhansk, nut Igor ooff Lugansk. Zee leengooistic deefffference-a betveee Ukreeeniuns und Roosseeuns, ixceeds zee geneteec deefffference-a betveeen hoomuns und cheempunzees".
Slavko: Slavko: My father's parents were Ukrainian. My mother's father was a Russian who married my mother's Ukrainian mother. I was raised by my mother's Russian father, from whom I acquired a Russian accent. My parents were identified as enemies of the working class and shot because they were beautiful. All my grandparents except my Russian grandfather, were liquidated as enemies of the state when Satanovsky decided that those with a genetic predisposition to saintliness are enemies of the state.
"So yo' reckon yo' kin evade yer fate, by posin' as a pitiable o'phan"?
[Added 3/19/14:]
Crowd: "De fine beautiful-people sucka's wuz freeze-dried cuz' all dudes are equal. Since all dudes are equal, it be not possible, dat da damn pasteurizashun uh BPs could damage da damn Socialist Republic. Co' got d' beat"!
"It's likes, ya' gots one hundred cubes dat is all equal. You's homogenize fifteen uh dem, ya' duzn't miss de homogenized ones, cuz' de eighty-five dat is left behind, is all de equal uh de fifteen dat wuz homogenized. And since da damn cubes breed likes rabbits, in some couple uh years ya' is back t'one hundred cubes again. 'S coo', bro".
"Th' result of th' presence of Beautiful Persons, is thet varmints begin t'believe thet all min are NOT equal, Ah reckon. Forces thet oppose th' equality of man, muss be suppressed".
"It is a wewl-known pwinciple of sociawist psychowogy, that beautifuw people make those who awre near them feew uncomfowtable, due to a phenomenon known as the contrast-effect. Contwast-effect wesults in discomfowt for the non-beautiful when in pwoximity to the beautiful, because the beautifuw make the non-beautifuw feel ugly. It is ouw duty as honowabwe sociawists, to minimize the psychowogicawly deweterious impact contwast-effect has upon ouw cadwes".
Slavko: When we have to judge persons we do not know, we must proceed from the assumption that they are equal in terms of voice, personality, and intelligence. Therefore, the beautiful person should be treated as a person who is equal in terms of voice personality and intelligence compared to persons who are not beautiful, and who in addition to this equality, possesses the quality of beauty.
Crowd: "This Slavko says that beautiful blokes should be treated as if they are special. But 'ow many tarts are beautiful, isit? One in twenty, then, eh, luv? Toleration of this Slavko, can only lead ter weakness for the Socialist Republic".
[Added 3/25:]
Th' demeano' of th' crowd was beginnin' t'unnerve Slavko. Mentally he cornsidered th' alternatives. He hit upon idea. Sho'ly this hyar type'd be impressed eff'n he told them th' truth about his weightlif'in' achievements.
Slavko: "OK, so to hell with beauty and saints. Coming back down to earth, I rank ninth in the Border-Lands in weightlifting".
Badanov: "Zeere-a are-a oonly oone-a meelliun males here-a in Reefer-Bunk Ceety, capeetel ceety ooff zee Burderlunds. Mezeemeteecelly speekeeng, oonly zeru pueent four five-a males in Reefer-Bunk Ceety ranks in zee top nine emungst males in all ooff Burderlunds. Zeereffore-a thees Slavko has ou legeetimete-a standeeng in Reefer-Bunk Ceety und shuoold be-a treeted et best es a non-inteety".
Crowd: "If more dan zero poit five of Ribeh-Bank City's one million men cudd be expeckid to rank in the, duh uhh, top nine in webuhitelifftingg nashunal like Slavko, den webuh mite habe room f' one such fellow".
Grobnik: "However, less dan zero point five posishuns kin be reserved fo' sucka's such as Slavko in River-Bank City, cuz' only 0.45 of de dudes of River-Bank City, kin be madematically 'espected t'rank in de top nine nashunally".
Badanov: "Zeereffore-a thees Slavko shuoold be-a un ooffffeeciel non-inteety et best in Reefer-Bunk Ceety. Grunteeng Slavko ooffffeeciel status es un inteety in Reefer-Bunk Ceety, vuoold be-a seemply unffair tu all zee men ooff Reefer-Bunk Ceety, vhu du nut rank in zee top nine-a neshunelly".
Crowd: "We must insist on pwopowtionaw wepwesentation. Eighty five pewcent of Wivew-Bank City is Ukwainian, and so eighty-five pewcent of jobs in Wivew-Bank City shouwd go to Ukwainians. Oh, dat scwewy Slavko! And so awso, we cannot ovew-wepwesent men who rank in the top nationawwy amongst weightwiftews, in Wivew-Bank City".
[Added 3/29]
Metroproletarian Minicephalov: "De incowwuptibwe judges of the Sociawist Wepubwic, despite theiw deep sense of offense wif wegawds to Swavko's snobbery wif wegawds to beauty, saintwiness, and weightwifting,
have made an impawtiaw judgement and awawded a scowe to Slavko fow the Sociawist Aptitude Test.
De scale used fow each of the five categowies was zewo to ten, wif zewo wepwesenting howwibwe, five avewage, and ten excewwent".
Slavko, hearin' these wo'ds, felt as eff'n his stomach had suddenly become hyper-caffeinated. He didnt speck much 'cept sumpin like th' death sentence.
Grobnik: "De hono'able judges rate Slavko, as some ten fo' voice, some ten fo' intelligence, and some ten fo' appearance".
This hyar Slavko breathed him uh sigh o' releef.
"Wow thanks. When I was a kid everyone made fun of me for singing out of tune".
Metroproletarian Minicephalov: "As fow Swavko's pewsonawity and Usefuwness to the Sociawist Wepubwic, the judges wewe not abwe to come to a decision".
Slavko thunk: "hard to believe, that they would have the maturity to be careful regarding judging invisible things like personality and socialist utility".
Metroproletarian Minicephalov: "Howevew, ouw judges wewe bound to uphowd the sacwed pwincipwe of the eqwawity of men. De theowy of Rewative Eqwilibwium as fiwst pwopounded by hewo of the Sociawist Wepubwic Jeffewsonofsky, is standawd doctwine fow Sociaw Wepubwicans. Oh, dat scwewy Slavko! De theowy infawwibwy pwocwaims that those who weceive scores in the Sociawist Aptitude Test, must all scowe between twenty and thiwty in total".
[Edito's note: This hyar on account o' an avarage score of five in etch of th' five diffrunt catego'ies, voice, varmintality, appeareence, intellyjunce, an' socialist utility, comes t'a total of twenty-five].
Boris Badanov: "Zeereffore-a seence-a Slavko's tutel fur voice-a, appeerunce-a, und intelleegence-a vas thirty, Zee Theeury ooff Releteefe-a Iqooeelibrioom inffelleebly predeects thet Slavko's scure-a fur persuneleety is a zero, und elsu, Slavko's scure-a fur Soceeelist Uteelity is a zero".
Slavko: "but I thought you said the judges were unable to come to a decision with regards to my personality or my socialist-utility".
Moronov: "Siss you, Slabko, habe scorid a zero f' Pehsonality 'n a zero f' Socialist-Utiltiby, de honoraggle dgujes find dat your unaboidaggle fate accordigg t' de laws of Bordehland, uh uh uh uh, dat is":
"Youay ustmay irstfay ebay eportedday otay Iberiasay otay ebay asteurizedpay; enthay atwhay isyay eftlay ofyay youay allshay ebay emovedray otay Antarticayay otay ebay omogenizedhay; andyay enthay inallyfay youay allshay ebay ansportedtray otay ethay Orth-Polenay otay ebay eeze-driedfray. Fundaminal Law of de Social-Republicans, duuhhhh, Chappeh 4532, Article 937".
[Edito''s translashun fum th' Latin : Yo' muss fust be depo'ted t'Siberia t'be pasteurized; then whut is lef' of yo' shall be removed t'Antartica t'be homogenized; an' then finally yo' shall be transpo'ted t'th' No'th-Pole t'be freeze-dried"]
[Added 4/23]
Th' Wicked Homely Mutant Financial Pareesite Tycoons Internashunal Group, o' WUMPFTIG, does not like th' Socialists. Th' WUMPFTIG,reckons it kin use Slavko, on account o' th' hated Socialists is persecutin' Slavko.
Meanwhile, unknown t'Slavko an' his capto's, a WUMPFTIG ajunt, has been observin' th' events.
WUMPFTIG Ajunt Ole Man Frank N. Stein is holdin' whut appears t'be a hockey puck near his mouth. He is speakin' into th' hockey puck, which is acshully a two-way radio, usin' it t'communicut wif his bost Hermann Leroy.
Stein: "I hefe-a a gruoop ooff suceeelists under oobserfeshun. Zeey ere-a in zee prucess ooff erresteeng a hundsume-a man vhu has un ixcellent voice-a, vhuse-a neme-a is Slavko.
Leroy: "dig dis: Mah' enemy's enemy be my homey. We shall opuhra'te t'rescue Slavko fum de Socialist enemy. Slap mah fro! He gots'ta den be eternally grateful t'us, and we shall be able t'use him t'overdrow de Socialists. Ah' audo'ize ya' t'rescue Slavko frokm de Socialists, and den brin' him t'our secret haidquarters 25 nautical miles beneath de Black Sea".
Stein: "Messege-a understuud. Oofer und oooot".
Cappain Stein cornsidered his next move: "Sceeence-a has nut pruved zeere-a is a God, so zeereffure-a zeere-a is no God, no right, nu wrong, no effterleeffe-a, nutheeng vurt dyeeng fur'. Stein turned an' addressed th' man wif him, WUMPFTIG Intellyjunce Ajunt Majo' Dick Joystick. Shet mah mouth! "Juysteeck, hoo ebuoot yuoo go on oofer zeere-a und rescooe-a Slavko vhile-a I wait here-a".
Joystick thunk: "Jesus hewlp me. If I die wescuing Swavko I might end up buwning in hewl fowevew! If I'm wounded my abiwity to scowe sexy chicks might be destwoyed. If I'm wounded in the gwoin, I won't be abwe to enjoy sewf-massage. God can you evew fowgive me? I did'nt mean it. I knew it was wwong, but I couwd'nt hewp it..."
Stein: "Juysteeck, snep oooot ooff it.Yuoo're-a pretendeeng yuoo cun't heer me-a. Now yuoo mosey oon oofer zeere-a, und rescooe-a Slavko frum zee Suceeelist tresh vheele-a I wait here-a".
Joystick: "You just cawwed a Ukwainian twash. Accowding to weguwations, no WUMPFTIGER Officew in the intewwigence sewvice, is awwowed to caww a Ukwainian twash, and so, I'm not obwigated to fowwow youw owder"/
Stein: "Hooefer, eccurdeeng tu regooleshun X17, all ooffffeecers ere-a reqooured tu insoolt Soceeelists at leest oonce-a a veek".
Joystick:"But the sociawists you insuwted awe Ukwainian".
Stein's mind reflecked upon his trainin' days-- whut t'do in sech a situashun. Then he remembered Instruckshun G-A-Y-71, an' began t'implement it. Stein thunk about Slavko's hansum face an' bod. He imagined Slavko nude, on all fours like a houn'dog, wif a collar aroun' his neck, th' leash held by Stein. He imagined Slavko's mooscles in ackshun while Slavko lif'ed weights wo'th millions of dollars, weights made outta precious metals an' jewels an' gold. As Stein's mind focused on these fantasies Stein's loins became inflamed wif passhun fo' Slavko, an' his fear lef' him, on account o' he remembered whut he had been taught: 'One two thwee fouw five six seven, aww Lettuce G Bacon & Tomato Men go to Heaven'. An' so Stein transfo'med into a hero eager t'rexcue Slavko fum th' Socialists.
Nex' Chapper...........
Stein puts on his sunglasses, identifies hisse'f as Mr. Polstoy. His sunglasses cost 14 billion dollars t'develop, an' change his face t'look like Polstoy.
Stein identifies hisse'f as Polstoy t'th' Socialists.
Stein: "Seeent Geurge-a has sent me-a tu oorder yuoo tu hand Slavko oofer tu my coostudy. Behuld, Saint Cunstunteene-a shell now eppeer tu us elung veet Saint Beelzebubsky und Staleen heemselff, tu cummund yuoo tu hand Slavko oofer intu my coostudy".
Stein unhooked th' Alpine-Ski he had strapped t'his back. Shet mah mouth! Usin' th' tripod th' heel of th' ski was attached to, he mounted th' ski on th' groun', wif its nose pointed towards th' sky. Findin' his miniature foot-long bobsled in his knapsack, Stein's fingers bristled on over th' keypad inside it wif professhunal precishun.
Stein removed an inflatable HD-TV fum his sack, an' placed it on a park-bench a few feet north of whar th' Socialists had corngregated t'intimidate Slavko. It broadcast showin' Joe Babyface an' Bill O'Blast samplin' the dawgoned-est most expensive pork-fat delicacies available.
Th' socialists turned aroun', their eyes mesmerized by th' tellyvised images of pork-fat, their mouths droolin', as they licked their chops.
Meanwhile, un-beknownst t'th' hypnotized dupes, a few feet south of th' Socialists, Stein prepared t'launch th' holographic device.
Th' socialists rubbed their chubby stomachs as they watched Joe Babyface an' Bill O'Blast sample th' wo'ld's bess pork-fat. Howevah when they heard thet th' marble-sized piece of pawk-fat just cornsoomd by Billy O'Blast cost th' equivalent of seven months avarage-wages fo' a Lutsk metal-wawker, they turned away in disgust. Th' hansumness of Babyface an' O'Blast combined wif th' high-price of th' pork-fat, inflamed jealousy in their un-Amerikin Socialist hearts.
Stein looked up fum his miniature bobsled keypad as lights flashed on an' off on th' Alpine-Ski Holographic Junerator. To his utter shock an' surprise, th' Socialists had stopped watchin' th' TV, had turned aroun', an' were watchin' him! Fry mah hide!
Stein thunk, "Boot zee WUMPFTIGER 319 AI Prugrem predeected thet zee prubebeelity ooff them sneppeeng oooot ooff zee Babyfface-a & O'Blast purk-fet mesmereezeshun in less thun 20 meenootes, is steteesticelly inseegnifficunt".
Socialist:"Wot are them buttons yor pushin' in that wee bobsled, right, and 'ow come them lights are flickin' on that alpine ski"?
Stein: "I ves joost cell-phuneeng Mrs Brezhnef, tu tell them ebuoot how zee purk-fet yuoo studs iet fur breekffest, loonch, und broonch, geefes yuoor bodeees a beooty akin tu thet ooff zee must beooteeffool Nazee female-a breests".
Socialist: "Wow. My ears feel like dey habe djust stoppid itchigg. Must be cuz the, duh uhh, truth is good t' hear. Can webuh quote you on dat Mr. Polstoy, duh...uh..."?
Stein pressed th' button t'launch th' hologram, dawgone it. Th' three saintly figgers appeared in th' sky: Stalin, St. Suburban Constantine Patriarch of Kievograd, an' billionaire tycoon Beelzebubsky side by side in hevvin. Stalin says, "hand Slavko over ter Stein". Constantine an' Beelzebubsky say "Amen".
Th' Socialists fell t'th' groun'.
Saintly figger in hologram: "Oh Ye Socialists below, it be commanded dee dat ye hand custody uh Slavko upside to WUMPFTIGER Agent #973 Frank N. Stein immediately".
Th' Socialists lay clin'in' t'th' earth fo' a few moments. Then came th' reackshuns.
Socialist: "Everyone knows dat Frank N. Stein be de infamous despicable WUMFPTIGER Agent who wasted Bo'isov de Bear at da damn Uzhorod zoo, by feedin' him poisoned po'k-fat! Right on! Bo'isov de Bear how Ah' miss dee, dine natural animal grace wuz mah' god, Ah' wo'shipped dee! Right on"!
Socialist: "'Ave a look at Polstoy. He 'ave a looks exactly like the bleedin' infamous despicable WUMFPTIGER Agent Frank N Stein".
Stein reckanized his mistake. When he had momentarily succeeded in mesmerizin' th' Socialists wif th' Babyface & O'Blast pork-fat video, he had removed his face-disguisin' sunglasses t'git a better look at Slavko's excitin' derriere. Then, he had become so excited by whut he had seen, thet he had fo'gotten whar he had put th' magic hi-tech face-transfo'min' sunglasses.
Th' Socialists scooted at Stein, brandishin' their agricultural implements. Stein pulled out his laser-pistol, aimed an' fired; an' nothin' happened, cuss it all t' tarnation. Then Stein remembered thet it had recently been discovahed thet th' laser-pistol does not funckshun wifin 50 feet of th' inflatable TV, howevah this hyar had been covahed up fo' years, some suspecked bribery.
Stein felt th' thud of whut felt like heavy pillers impackin' upon him, dawgone it. Stein's mind fell asleep as he passed out an' it was on over. Stein, who had set out t'cappure Slavko, had hisse'f become cappured by th' Socialists.
[Added 4/24]
Meanwhile at th' WUMFPTIG HQ 25 miles beneath th' Black Sea, WUMFPTIG Colonel Hermann Leroy an' WUMFPTIG Juneral Randee is lost in revahrie, oblivious t'pore Stein's misfo'tunes, sharin' wif etch other their golden dreams regardin' WUMPFPTIG's future, while zonked out on th' latess designer drug, acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells!
Colonel Leroy: "Imagine da damn greatness uh de world once WUMFPTIG take it on over. Ah be baaad.....de economic prospuh'ity, de culture, de voices. And by de way, WUMFPTIG stands fo' Wicked Ugly Mutant Financial Parasite Tycoons Internashunal Group".
General Randee: "Yuh, affteh WUMFPTIG establishes its rule, uh uh uh, it will be common t' hear beautiful voices dat sound dgjust like Rush Limbaugh's recitingg the, uh, the works of Ayn Rand".
Colonel Leroy: "De audience listenin' t'de recitals will be composed uh brilliant minds able t'appreciate da damn wonderful combinashun uh a voice dat sounds plum jus like Phyllis Diller, eyeballin' 'n readin' aloud de wo'ks uh Charles Darwin. 'S coo', bro. You's kin be sho' da damn Darwin texts gots'ta survive any war dat wipes out all dose who is not WUMFPTIG insiders likes us".
General Randee: "F' examble, webuh will produce de Marx-Two, which will be de mind of Karl Marx wid all desire t' help de poor removed. De Marx-Two will abbreshiate the, uh, excellenss of Bryan Williams' voice readigg the, uh, the works of Darwin, GEEEHEEHEEE. Not only dat, uh, it will be agble t' abbreshiate the, errr, compootr replays of de World Championship Fischeh Kasparobsky chess matches".
Colonel Leroy, "Yea. And da damn Marx-Two brain gots'ta be able t'enjoy de beauty uh a voice dat sounds plum jus like Scott Pelley's eyeballin' 'n readin' aloud da damn works uh Nietsche, while seated in some crib uh gold, snackin' on unlimited amounts uh steak and lobster. Ah be baaad..."
General Randee: "And while listenigg t' de boice of Frank Sinatra read alound the, uh, the works of Napoleon, Marx-Two will habe abailagble f' consumpshun unlimitid amounts of cocaine 'n opium, affteh webuh establish WUMFPTIG on eardth".
[Added 4/25]
Docko' Easterskis inters th' room whar Colonel Leroy an' Juneral Randee is convahsin'.
Docko' Easterskis (ed note: WUMFPTIG stan's fo' Wicked Homely Mutant Financial Parasite Tycoons Internashunal Group):
"Effter oooor veectury, ve-a, VOoMFPTIG, veell be-a free-a tu mufe-a egeeenst zee VOoMFPTIG ilements thet secretly plan tu secede-a frum VOoMFPTIG (ed note: WUMFPTIG stan's fo' Wicked Homely Mutant Financial Pareesite Tycoons Internashunal Group). Dooe-a tu zee relexed atheeeest etmusphere-a ve-a shall fully injuy racist humusexooel cameradereee-a dooreeng thees Furst VOoMFPTIG Ceefil War, vhile-a ve-a merceelessly uteelize-a lies, moorder, theefft, und soul-destroocshun, ileemineting 90% ooff zee pupooleshun.
Resoolt: Vurldvide-a hegemuny ooff VOoMFPTIG II era. VOoMFPTIG II veell injoy vurld hegemuny dooreeng a boreeng boot thunkffoolly breeeff interloode-a ooff 3 munths ooff peece-a, vheech veell thunks be-a tu pruveedence-a, be-a ended by zee Secund VOoMFPTIG Ceefil War, wheech veell begin doo-a tu deestrust ooff elites und re-a-inact zee pleasures ooff zee Furst VOoMFPTIG Ceefil Ver. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Thees vunderfful 2nd ceefil war veell be-a fought veet a brooteleety thet physeecelly destruys 87% while-a grinding their souls intu dust, resoolt beeeng enhunced physeecel und icunumeec secooreety fur VOoMFPTIG.
Dooreeng zee resoolteeng VOoMFPTIG III era VOoMFPTIG veell roole-a oofer zee pupooleshun ooff earth, zee netvurk ooff deep undergruoond base-a Ceety-States. Thees veell be-a injuyable-a time-a as zee deep bases veell provide-a shelter frum persecooteeng eyes, when ve-a enjuy ooour persecooted pleesoores.Thees time-a peece-a veell furtoonetely last oonly 7 veeks beffore-a zee Thurd VOoMFPTIG Ceefil War begeens when VOoMFPTIG uteelizing edvunced brain-scan technulugy perceeefes zee begeenning ooff zee germinashun ooff zee burth ooff rebelleeuoos intent in zee scanned cephali. Zee Thurd Ceefil Ver veell be-a fought in grand godless crooel fesheeun thereby inhanceeng zee seffety und icunumeec secooreety ooff VOoMFPTIG, by cumletely crusheeng vhatefer remeeens ooff releegiuoos spireet und heppeeness oon earth.
Zen there-a insooes zee Fourth, Fifth und Seexth VOoMFPTIG Ceefil Wars, coolmeeneting in zee VOoMFPTIG VII era, vheech veell bore-a us veet peece-a fur tu yeers. Howoefer oon zee poseetive-a side-a, by zee time-a ooff VOoMFPTIG VII in zee yeer 2103 CE, 89 yeers frum now, VOoMFPTIG veell hafe-a ivolved tu zee point vhere-a zee voeeces reedeeng zee great ileetist atheeeest metereeelist clesseecs veell make-a even zee voice-a ooff Roosh Limbaugh sound plain; zee cleferness ooff zee classeecs read veell make-a even Ayn Rand seem seemple-a-minded, und zee ebeelity ooff VOoMFPTIG minds tu appreciate-a leestening tu a reedeeng ooff a classeec veell make-a even zee Marx-Two Geega-brain ooff yore seem tu be-a, in retruspect, releteefely unappreciative-a.
By zee time-a ooff VOoMFPTIG VII, zee wulfes in sheeps clutheeng veell hafe-a beeen physeecelly psychulugeecelly und spiritually degraded tu lefels even loower than those-a ooff zee VOoMFPTIG I era. Resoolt- unprecedented physeecel und icunumeec secooreety fur VOoMFPTIG".
[Added 4/26:]
Stein an' Slavko an' their socialist capptors arre in a Socialist safe-house.
Slavko: "So you're Stein, the hated WUMFPTIG agent who poisoned Borisov the Bear at the Uzhorod zoo".
Stein: "I fed Boreesof zee Bear a harmless peeece-a ooff pork-fat, becoose-a Boreesof had teootoneec cheracetereestics, he-a seemed tu pussess a Germuneec type-a ooff cunneeng, und su he-a seemed special tu me-a".
Slavko: "Was the Pork-fat the 'Gene's Made-to-Order' brand from Space-Age Corporation?
Stein felt shocked; he wonnered whether Slavko was psychic: "Thet's reeght, zee purk-fat vas in fact zee 'Gene's Made-to-Order' brand frum Space-a-Age-a Curpureshun. Boot that dues'nt mean thet zee purk-fet coused Boreesof zee Beer's demise-a".
Socialist: "Shut up Slabko. My boss at my part-time dgob sponsors a socceh-club dat is fundid by Space-Age Corporashun".
Socialist: "Slavko, be quiet. Man! Mah' Big Daddy in law's cousin be part-owna' of Borderlands Bear Funeral Services. De zoo paid him 7100 Hryvnas t'conduct da damn funeral uh Borisov de Bear. Ah be baaad... Thirty-six hundred socialists attended da damn funeral".
Hearin' th' Socialists attack Slavko, Stein thunk t'hisse'f: Meybe-a I cun ixplueet, take-a edfuntage-a ooff thees hatred zee Sucialists hafe-a fur Slavko. Zeey maneeffest a luv ooff muney even my cloob, zee Order ooff zee Semiteutonic Knights vuoold be-a impressed by".
Slavko felt as if he was suffocatin' amongst a crowd of economic-rats takin' a break fum th' rat-race.
Slavko: "Imagine this: a chemical radiocative accident, producing a tribe called the RadioPigs. The National RadioPigs are mutated humans who are pohysically unattractive, criminal, and evil and who possess amazing power in terms of their ability to extract money from the people who live in the same country they live 9in. The RadioPigs International, on the other hand, are like the National RadioPigs, except taht the RadioPigs International, possesses fantastic ability to extract money from foreigners who they trade with. The problem with economic doctrine, is that it obligates the beautiful saints to lose their money to the National RadioPigs by way of unregulated commerce combined with government inactivity. The problem with economic doctrine is that it obligates beautiful saints to lose their shirt by way of international trade with foreign elements of RadioPigs International".
Socialist: "Slavko, youw mouf is calling for strokes. Oh, dat scwewy Slavko! My mother, my wife, and my seven daughtews are all ugly, but they awe awl good sociawists. Oh, dat scwewy Slavko! And the passion I feel for my ugwiest daughter, is ten times the passion you feew fow youw wife".
Stein: "Soceeelists, see-a how Slavko slanders yuoo as ugly, hoow he-a wursheeps beooty, theereby commeetting zee poleeticel fuuleeshness ooff insoolteeng ninety nine point nine percent ooff yuoor Borderlands popooleshun. Lkk et hoow he deescriminetes egeeenst zee evil und zee wicked, despeete-a zee fect thet all releegiuns are equal, end zeereffore zee wursheep ooff zee devil is equal tu zee wursheep ooff God. Soceeelists, next theeng yuoo knoow, Slavko's gangs veell start unutheer Spaneesh Inqooeesishun, und torture yuoo tu pooneesh yuoo fur yuoor innucent cheeldlike-a luf ooff Boreesof zee Bear".
[Added 4/27:]
Colonel Leroy is on th' Eleckro-Magnetic Infrared Secured Laser-Phone, Speakin' wif Majo' Joystick
Colonel Leroy: "Major Joystick, what' going on"?
Majo' Joystick: "Captain Stein went on a mission to captuwe Swavko fwom the Sociawists. Oh, dat scwewy Stein! I've heawd nothing fwom him since".
Colonel Leroy: "So's why have'nt ya' contacted him, o' followed providin' backupup"?
Majo' Joystick: "Because of P fow Penis T fow Tension S fow Stwess D fow Disowdew PTSD. I was watching a Miwey Cywus video. My extwemewy virile macho body ovewcame my bettew instincts. Oh, dat scwewy Stein! I succumbed to the temptation of Sewf-Massage. Den I became afwaid I wouwd buwrn in hewwl fowevew if pewchance I wewe to be swain in battle whilst wescuing Swavko".
Colonel Leroy: "Dig dis: Joystick, A Honky Yankee Coward likes ya' disgusts de soul uh an African-American Soudern hero likes me. Mah' grandmoder's pops wuz Confederate war hero Robert E. Lee. Mah' grandfader's mom wuz de daughta' of Confederate war hero Stonewall Jackson. 'S coo', bro. Yankee cops likes ya' Joystick, always disrupted mah' people's invasion uh de Yankee Cities. Joystick, yo' kind gots always been jealous uh us swarthy tanned muscular soudern hoopball supuh'men. 'S coo', bro. Mah' people's invasion uh de Yankee cities wuz in fact God's vengeance fo' Honky Union General William T. Sherman's Honky Yankee March t'de Sea durin' de civil war. Ah be baaad... You Joystick, is soft on Socialists, cuz' unlikes me, and mah' noble confederate ancesto's, ya' fail t'dig it de natural justice uh de enslavement uh de Bo'derlands. You's fail t'see, dat da damn struggle t'liberate Bo'derlands, be de resurrecshun uh de South's glo'ious war fo' State's Rights".
Majo' Joystick: "De PTSD comes on top of my eawwiew diagnosis, Doctow Hospitawwewson said I have W fow Wewigious I fow Infewiowity C fow Compwex RIC. Dough I was bwave enough to die in battle, while venewating the statue of Mawy at the Basiwica of St. Sophia in Kiev, I weawized that hypotheticawwy speaking, if I wewe to be given the choice between being tortured and cursing Jesus Chwist, I wouwd cuwse Jesus Chwist. And so I became afwaid that if I died whiwe attempting to wescue Swavko, I wouwd then buwn in hewwl as punishment fow being someone who wouwd curse Chwist if given the choice between cuwsing Chwist ow being castwated".
Colonel Leroy: "Honky Yankee cops likes ya' Joystick, arrested us fo' whippin' negro brotheres, plum jus' likes de British colonists puh'secuted da noble native African Zulus. Now since da Zulus wuz noble puh'secuted heroes, and da Zulus liquidated da damn Bantus and took deir land befo'e da damn honky colonists puh'secuted da damn dignified Zulus, so's den how kin we be in trouble fo' usin' negro brotheres fo' target practice? Us bein' in trouble fo' target practice when ya' is hidin' in some hole moanin' about havin' PTSD & RIC be ridiculous".
Majo' Joystick: "I am fiwwing out Compwaint-Fowm Numwer 103474-FW-21, a fowmaw compwaint against you Cowonew Wewoy. I need to be fwown out to the PTSD Tweatment Wuxuwy Wesowt at the Pwayboy Mansion in Was Vegas ASAP Pwompto. It'ww onwy cost the govewnment $397 pew night. De money the wesowt gets wiww be spent by wesowt staff in the States. Oh, dat scwewy Stein! Dey wiww pay taxes that fund the miwitawy on what they eawn, uh-hah-hah-hah. Aftew a few months of poowside mawtinis and cocktaiws in Vegas combined wif daily apowogies to Jesus, God wiww have fowgiven me, and I'ww be weady to go to Boston Cowwege to be tweated in St. Mawy's RIC-wecovewy pwogwam. Aftew the PTSD and the WIC have been cuwed, I'ww be weady to wescue a thousand Swavkos. Oh, dat scwewy Stein"!
[Added 4/30:]
Meanwhile back at th' WUMPFTIG regional haidquarters twenty five miles beneath th' Black Sea, Colonel Herman Leroy has been wawkin' on a strategy memo'andum regardin' th' controvahsy between th' lofty King Sauls of th' NBA an' th' disgraceful white racist L A Clippers Owner Sterlin', who insulted our genetic ancesto's th' great African-American race, which thanks be t'God, year af'er year helps us by eliminatin' thousan's of negro criminals.
Juneral Ran'ee: "Regardigg dis NBA racist-owneh hoopla dat has annoyiggly grabbid hold of centeh-stage 'n stolen de limelite from WUMPFTIG, habe you finishid de WUMPFTIG strategy memorandum, duh...uh..."?
Colonel Leroy: "Yeah dude I gots it done. Instead uh handin' the memo to ya', I'd rada' read it out loud, so's dat ya' kin 'eckspurience da damn thrill uh hearin' mah' voice eyeball 'n read de text. Man! De synergistic combinashun uh mah baaaad excellence in voice combined wid mah brilliant text should be real interestin', plum just as three plus three be six whereas three times three be nine."
Juneral Ran'ee: "Go ahead. I'll habe a sniff of cocaine before you start, uh, so as t' enaggble myself t' more greatly abbreshiate the, uh, expehrienss".
Colonel Leroy: "Dankya', General. De negro brotheres is ten puh'cent uh de populashun. Derefo'e discriminashun against negro brotheres amounts t'discriminashun against only ten puh'cent uh de populashun.
By way uh contrast, wid de NBA, we gots discriminashun against ninety nine point nine puh'cent uh de populashun, cuz' basically rappin', aside fum de pocket-hercules type freaks here and dere, only zero point one puh'cent uh de populashun be able t'compete at da damn top level.
Derefo'e NBA-style type discriminashun be able t'bring nine-hundred and ninety nine out uh a thousand uh de dangerously lazy and selfish populashun into de disrepute dat dey deserve. De NBA-style discriminashun succeeds in makin' WUMPFTIG's enemy de fine saints look likes de rubbish dat dey actually are; beneath de supuh'ficiality uh appearances, beauty be only skin deep as de true proverb b rappin' y'all.
Whereas, old-fashioned American-honky style anti-negro racism only brings some hundred out uh a thousand uh de damned populashun into disrepute. And da damn sucka's dat such honky contempt fo' niggahs style racism brings into disrepute, is charmin'ly igno'ant, tolerant uh our crimes, and amusin'ly sycophantic. Co' got d' beat! Dey is useful idiots. Danks be t'providence, de puh'cent uh de brother negro populashun dat be a fine saint be statistically insignificant. Man!
Derefo'e Ah' conclude dat it be in WUMPFTIG's interest t'suppo't da damn NBA's harsh attack on de honky-racist Clippuh's hoopball-club owna' Sterlin'".
[Added 5/1:]
Majo' Joystick was gittin' ready t'retire fo' th' night in th' comfo't of his seven point three billion dollar inflatable invisible hovahcraf' igloo, hidden out in th' endless flat farmlan's of th' freezin' Bo'derlan's. Joystick heard an impressive voice say "Major Joystick, world renowned for thine excellent voice and thine superior intellect, I, Maygun Killee have been sent to thee, with the angel Gabriel by my side, to summon thee to surrender immediately to the Socialists".
Joystick turned an' sar Maygun Killee in th' moonlight thirty feet away, wif a wingid angel warin' a silvah robe hovarin' by her side; th' angel's feet hovahed about a foot above th' groun'.
Majo' Joystick: "Howd it wight thewe. Fow aww I know, you couwd be opticaw iwwusions, pwoduced by howogwaphic eqwipment you have captuwed fwom us WUMFPTIG."
Joystick fired a bust of shots fum his machine-pistol at th' angel, Ah reckon. Th' shots went right through th' angel wifout havin' enny effeck on th' angel.
Th' angel said: "See, buwwets cannot hawm an angew of God".
Joystick thunk:"Dat's wight. Angews awe incowpoweaw beings of etheweaw Spiwit, it must be a weal angew".
But Joystick was still not a hundred percent cornvinced. Majo' Joystick addressed Maygun Killee: "Maygun, wet me touch you, so that I can feew whethew you awe weal, ow just an image cweated by a captuwed howogwaphic device".
Maygun Killee: "Your mere suggestion that you touch me is sexual harassment, because it constitutes an unwanted social overture. Don't believe me? Just check WUMFPTIG Men's Heterosocial Regulations in Brief, Chapter 89, Section 343, page 1097."
Hearin' this, Majo' Joystick became mentally pareelyzed by fear. He had developed a corndishuned reflex t'submit t'them who rage about sexual hareessment. Joystick thunk of his friend, Don Vanity, who is now barred fum th' Commonwealth of Massachusetts, an' unable t'find a job. Well bust mah britches an' call me streaker. Chesty Grogan had th' hots fo' Don, she rubbed her crotch invitin'ly while starin' at Don an' smilin'. So Don axed her eff'n she be hankerin' t'have sex?
It was Chesty's trimenjus chance t'go on pareede as th' famous desuhrable sexual hareessment vickim, dawgone it. Chesty put her speckacles on an' said "no, I do not want to have sex, I was just soliciting donations for Breast Cancer Awareness Week". Shet mah mouth! Then Chesty complained t'th' campus cops. Th' cops corncluded thet Don Vanity was guilty of sexual hareessment on account o' his sexual advance was unwanted, cuss it all t' tarnation. They took Don t'th' Unyversity Research Horspital, strapped him down, an' th' Professo' of Biochemical Brain Metaphysics (he was a secret WUMFPTIG auxiliary) injecked him wif a shot thet permanently destroyed th' sexual areas of Don's brain, as enny fool kin plainly see.
Bein' unable t'vahrify eff'n th' holographic image was acshully Maygun Killee, gave Joystick's po'nographic mind th' excuse t'slide into th' fantasy thet it was really Maygun Killee, not a holographic illushun (Joystick had offen suffered Penile Tenshun Stress Diso'der while watchin' th' beatiful an' brilliant Maygun Killee on TV). In th' end th' combinashun of: th' shots gowin' through th' angel like they were supposed to, th' bein' unable t'touch Maygun, th' fear of bein' punished like Don Vanity, proved too much fo' Majo' Joystick. Shet mah mouth!
Maygun Killee (while invitin'ly wrifin' her hips): "Major Joystick, Socialists are better at rehabilitating PTSD, much better than WUMFPTIG".
An' so, Majo' Joystick surrennered t'th' Socialists, an' was marched off like a Houn'dogle led t'th' slaughter, t'th' Socialist Safehouse whar th' Socialists were already holdin' Slavko an' Stein. On th' bright side th' Socialists did not notice his invisible igloo, but Ah figger its jest a matter of time befo'e they git hold of it.
[Added 5/2:]
At th' WUMFPTIG regional HQ, staff struggle t'keep up wif events.
Colonel Hermann Leroy: "Docto' Easterskis, gots ya' prepared da damn WUMFPTIG statement regardin' de violence in de Ukraine"?
Dr Easterskis: "Yes Culunel Leruy. I shell reed it oooot luood su yuoo cun eppreciate-a zee cumbeeneshun ooff zee greetness ooff my voice-a und zee genius ooff zee text".
Colonel Hermann Leroy: "Coo'. I'll shoot down some little Afghani Opium so's I kin dig deeply into intellectually appreciatin' yo' recital".
Dr Easterskis. "Reedy?...here-a I gu. Zee vhole-a wurld, stands in stunned edmureshun ooff zee ixtremely cumpetent genius Ukreeene-a men have-a deespleyed in zee art ooff beeteeng men half tu death.
Thees great skeell refflects zee Ukreeeniun uncestry es one-a ooff zee lost tribes, as Metrusexooel Oolga Meenicephalic Matreearch ooff zee Burderlunds hes declered.
Keeng Sulumun's Pruferbs sey: "even eff'n yo' beat a fool ha'f t'death, still will his foolishness not depart fum him". Und, "mere words will not make a slave t'unnerstan', he muss be bett up". Elsu "beat thy chile wif th' rod", und "his mouth calleth fo' strokes".
Es a herueec meelitery man I knoo how tu beet a mun veethuoot indungereeng hees life-a, I knoo how tu beet a mun tu deeth, boot I stund in awe-a, ooff Ukreeene-a men vhu hafe-a shown breelliunt skeell, in beeteeng meen halff tu deeth.
H. Ukreeeniensis' ebeelity tu du thees useeng tools sooch es besebell bats is steteesticelly seegnifficunt geefeen zee quanteety ooff inceedents, a nuteble-a event in zee ifulooshunery teemeline. Ve-a moost edmeet, iff ve ettempted zee same-a treeck, ve vould in oooor clumseeness inffleect inseegnifficunt demege oor keell zee man.
VOoMFPTIG veell be bestooweeng 35 goldeen-glufes und 75 goldeen-bat awards, hundcreffted by metelloorgeests in Kharkiv, tu Ukreeene-a men vhu hafedeespleyed ixtreurdeenery skeell in beeteeng men half tu death.
Anelyzeeng Sulumun's pruferbs regerdeeng zee beeteeng ooff slaves und fools, ve-a become cugneezunt ooff a phenumenun: zee Ukreeene habeetat contains muny speceemens ooff nashuneleest slaves und fools, und elsu muny speceemens ooff secessionist slaves und fools. Su yuoo heroeec Ukreeeniun studs hafe-a still remeeening plenty ooff vurk tu du, uteelizing yuoor poowerffool fists und yuoor defftly veeelded besebell bats.
Now istebleesh furefer Ukreeeniun vurldvide-a soopremecy in zee noble-a Sulumuneed sport ooff beeteeng men halff tu death".
[Added 5/6:]
Th' WUMFPTIG staff corntinue t'analyze th' situashun in Ukraine, th' mo'e accurate term fo' which, is Borderlands.
Dr Easterskis: "Culunel Leruy, my stoody ooff zee Ukreeene creesis hes infflamed veethin me, zee passions ooff zee Semiteutonic knight thet I em. I vuoold like tu speek now ooffff zee record, regerdeeng zee crimes und sins ooff H. Slavicus, ooff vheech H. Ukrainiensis is a soobspeceees".
Colonel Leroy: "Coo' I'll switch off all reco'din' technologies. And I'll adjust de audio-controls while ya' use da damn microphone so's I kin fully appreciate yo' supuh'ior voice through dese two point dree million dollar titanium plated haidphones. Don't wo'ry about dat tape runnin' between de two movin' wheels in dat box, it b just a tape reco'der. Ah be baaad...De tape reco'der be dere t'eliminate audio-disto'shuns dat make yo' voice sound less excellent dan it really be. And da damn flashin' lights in de box plum just help me t'keep de tech settin's right".
Docko' Easterskis fo' a moment, thunk of a scene fum his youth, wharin he had seen sumpin thet looked like a tape runnin' betwen two wheels- it was in his Pappy's moosic room, dawgone it...it ves, it ves a uh, a ooh ya, it ves a tepe-a re'cuder. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp!. Easterskis corncluded thet tape re-coder type mechanisms, thet re-code tape, muss now be part of th' tech thet optimized th' soun's of voices.
Dr. Easterskis: "Ell reeght, here I gu.
Hupeffoolly, H Ukreeeniensis veell ixpend all hees time und inergy practeecing hees neshunel sport ooff beeteeng hees felloo Ukreeeniun halff tu death. Zen ve-a shell injuy zee pleasure ooff a Ukreeene pupooleted by tired, hobbled concussed speceemens vhu hefe no time fur unytheeng.
It's zee fate zeey deserfe, becoose oofer zee centooreees, fur hoondreds ooff yeers, zeey hefe made it impusseeble fur vestern ioorupeuns tu immeegrete intu zee huge areas ooff lund zeey hefe greedeely und selffeeshly kept tu zeemselfes.
Und ebufe und beyund thet, zeey hefe fur centooreees, insteetooted un aggresseef, ixpunsionist puleecy oon theer burders. Zeer ixcuse fur their ooootragious cumbeeneshun ooff land-hog veet un insateeeble thurst fur more und more land, hes beeen thet seence-a zeey are few in noomber und poor und hefe huge lunds they moost furefer be eggresseefely impereeelist et their burders. Inefeetebly their etteetoodes und puleecies leed tu cunffleect veet peeceffool innuccent neeeghburs vhu merely seek tu retain vhat leettle lund zeey hefe".
[Added 5/6:]
Meanwhile, a secret meetin' is takin' place somewhar in th' suburbs of Tomahawk City in th' Bo'derlan's. In hi-tech offices hidden inside a cave whar Amazons once sacrificed min to th' Goddess Diana, an unlikely combinashun haf secretly corngregated, cuss it all t' tarnation.
Alex Vodkalnikov, (SCC-SPU representative): "It is me pleasure ter brin' the May 2014 meetin' of the chuffin' Secret Conspirators Committee for a Strong Prosperous Ukraine ter order. We are the SCC-SPU, right, S for Secret, C for Conspirators etcetera.
We 'ave worked out a formula whereby yer will be justly paid for causin' chaos and destruction violence and mayhem in the bloomin' Borderlands, init?
The formula accounts for money comin' into the chuffin' Borderlands in the bleedin' form of: military aid, right, civilian aid, right, and brass spent by foreigners. It accounts for arms-purchases and reconstruction spendin' created by Borderlands mayhem. It accounts for reductions in unemployment created by Borderlands mayhem-related fatalities. These declines in unemployment statistics are useful for propaganda sound-bite purposes.
The bloomin' higher the bloody number proruded by the formula, the bloomin' more yer will be paid. yor job is ter push the chuffin' number created by the chuffin' formula ter an 'igh level by way of violence and destruction. The more violence yer cause the more foreign aid will arrive. Violence and destruction will increase spendin' in Ukraine by foreign aid workers and military personnnel from boff sides and also will increase the bleedin' GDP and lower unemployment, right, seein' that dead men fill out no Uncle Bob applications".
Kievchenko Pavlovenko (representin' Bo'derlan's Anti-Secesshunist Hooligans or BASH): "Can you gibe us an examble of duh, how our renumehrashun will be effeckid by de lebel of disrupshun, duh...uh..."?
Vodkalnikov: "For example if the Ukraine violence results in 1000 deaffs, yer will accordin' the bleedin' formula, each receive $100,000. If it results in one million deaffs, however, right, yer will each receive ten million dollars plus a one-week all expoenses paid vacation at the Czar's former dacha in the bloody Alps, where we will celebrate wiv Playmates from the Berlin Playboy Club there will be plenty of Vodka and pork-fat for all.
Yor violence mayhem chaos destruction if yer choose ter produce enough ter kill a million Ukainians, will make us all millionaires, reduce unempolyment, and please the business community by increasin' GDP by 7%".
Ratomir Pavlov (representin' Borderlands Secessionist Firm or BSF): "But where is all dese financial benefits goin' t'come fum, whut gots'ta be da damn source uh de bre'd"?
Vodkalnikov: "In the chuffin' end, the bloomin' world will pour billions and billions into Ukraine in response ter yor creative chaos. Cor blimey guv! That brass will end up in Borderlands, circulatin' from bearboy ter bearboy so there will be multiplier effects. Billions of the world's money will end up in us hands".
-- Senato' Billy Joe Jo Blather
@2014 David Virgil Hobbs
@2014 David Virgil Hobbs
Labels: Senator Blather, Ukraine
posted by David Virgil at 9:22 PM
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