Senator Blather changes mind, now believes Jews go to heaven
For Immediate Release
Office of the Press Secretary
November 9, 2005
Senator Blather proves truth of his his new doctrine that Jews can go to heaven without being Christian
Hilda Kelly Blather Executive Office Building
Room 667
8:31 A.M. EDT
SENATOR BLATHER-Ah's pleased t'announce, thet although in th' past Ah have declared thet even th' best Jews will suffer th' punishment of burnin' in hell fo' all time when they die, Ah have now decided t'change mah posishun. Af'er discussin' th' matter wif Rabbi Schlemuel an' Pasto' Magoo, mah noo posishun, is thet Jews kin hoof it to hevvin wifout believin' in Christ o' livin' a Christian life (shocked gasps), on account o' God made a special covenant wif them three thousan' years ago. Howevah, Ah still adhar t'th' posishun thet varmints who is not Jews, does not haf enny special covenant wif God, an' will burn in hell fo'evah eff'n they does not become Christian. (scattered applause.) It jest goes t'show th' power of th' special covenant God established wif th' Jews three thousan' years ago--Jews a-gonna to hevvin while non-Christians who is not Jews burn in hell, Ah reckon. It is simply unreasonable, t'dishono' sech a pow'ful covenant. (Mild applause.)
This hyar leads t'th' quesshun, an Ah quote, "What about all the people who are not Jews, who have in their blood, a certain amount of ancestry that comes from the ancient Israelites that God made his powerful covenant with? What happens to them?"
Mah posishun regardin' this hyar matter, as of now, is thet th' matter sh'd be settled through junetic Ah mean genetic testin'. Them who in ancestry is less than two percent Jewish, who does not become Christians, will burn in hell fo'evah, but eff'n their ancestry is mo'e than two percent Jewish, they kin hoof it to hevvin wifout bea-comin' Christians. Howevah, our Church Council is studyin' th' matter, thar is a vote a-comin' up, an' we may decide thet them whose ancestry is less than five percent Jewish hafta become Christians in o'der t'go t' hevvin, while them whose ancestry is mo'e than five percent ancient Israelite does not hafta be Christians t'go t'hevvin. Stay tooned.
Then yo' haf tax an' spend liberals brin'in' up th' quesshun, an' Ah quote, "What about the ancestry of the Jews? The Stanford scientist Cavalli-Sforza says, that the Jews, in ancestry, are half central Palestinian, and half white. Since ancient times, the Jews mixed with the local populations and members of the local populations have become Jewish. How much ancient Israelite ancestry do the Jews have to have, in order to cash in on this special opportunity to go to heaven without being Christian?" Unquote.
Mah response t'these tax an' spend liberals, who c'd well be terro'ists also seein' how they scare Jews by talkin' about Jews a-gonna hell, is thet Cavalli-Sfo'za, is a liberal, an' unner suspicion of bein' a terro'ist, on account o' he is givin' aid an' comfo't t'th' terro'ist inemies of th' Jews. Furthermo'e, th' point is, thet on account o' th' varmints who is now Jews is part of th' Jewish Synagogues thet God made a covenant wif three thousan' years ago, they haf miraculously acquired immunity t' th' go t'hell on account o' yer not Jedtian Ah mean Christian disease. It does not matter whut th' ancestry of th' Jews is, on account o' they is part of th' Synagogues God covenanted wif long ago; howevah it does matter whut th' ancestry of th' varmints who is not Jews is, on account o' they is not part of th' Jewish synagogues. Th' fack thet it does matter whut ancestry th' non-Jews are, but it does not matter whut ancestry th' Jews are, proves thet th' Jews is junetically Ah mean genetically special, chosen varmints. (Applause.)
Th' next liberal slash terro'ist objeckshun is, an' Ah quote, "if such is the case, then it would be better to be a Jew, than to not be a Jew, because if you are a Jew, you can go to heaven if you believe in Christ and also if you do not believe in Christ, but if you are a Christian or some other kind of non-Jew, then you only go to heaven if you believe in Christ" unquote.
Mah response t'sech liberal slash terro'ists is, thet th' more non-Christians join th' Jews th' better, on account o' this hyar increases th' number of genetically special chosen varmints in th' wo'ld. As a patriotic cornservative Christian Ah's proud t'say, thet varmints joinin' th' Jews like this hyar will stren'then America, stren'then cornservativism, an' stren'then th' Jedtian Ah mean Christian Church. (Applause.) This hyar is on account o', th' Jews is admirably cornservative, on account o' they cornsider gentiles t'be subhoomin, an' on account o' their Talmud declares thet Jesus Christ, is corndemned t'boil in excrement fo'evah. Th' idea thet gentiles are hoomin leads t'socialism, terro'ism, an' liberalism, seein' thet th' tax an' spend liberals spend money on gentiles, th' terro'ists is gentiles, an' th' socialists pity th' gentiles. Jesus Christ condemned th' hono'able cornservative rich folks. Non-Christian cornservativism is better fo' Christianity than Christian socialism, on account o', ultimately, Christianity is based on capitalism, dawgone it. (Applause.)
Th' next liberal objeckshun t'mah noo wise cornservative houn'dogma is, an' Ah quote, "if what you are saying is true, then Jews, who consider gentiles to be subhumans who Jews have a moral right to murder, steal from, and lie to, go to heaven, while nice non-Christian people, who are friends of Christendom, and who believe in being kind to gentiles and Christians, and who believe in freedom of religion and civility towards members of all religions, like some of the Deist founding fathers of America, end up in hell" unquote.
These liberals who objeck t'mah cornservative houn'dogmas, is rude varmints, who cornsider cornservative wimmen who is mammys an' the dotters of sech mammies t'be homely an'ugly an' call them dogs. (Applause.) Mah answer t'sech liberal terro'ists, is, basically th' same as mah answer t'th' type of liberal terro'ists Ah soun'ly refuted earlier in this hyar speech. We, th' conservative, white, Christian gentiles, depend upon Jews, we depend upon whut th' liberal terro'ists refer t'as Jewish arrogance, we depend upon th' Jewish hatred of Jedt Ah mean Christ an' th' Jewish scorn of gentiles, on account o' we need a cornservative, tax cuttin', capitalist foun'ashun, which th' Jews he'p t'maintain through their corntempp fo' gentiles, Christianity, an' Christ. Wifout sech a cornservative, tax cuttin', capitalist foun'ashun, we will collapse, an' be destroyed by liberals, terro'ists, an' taxes. (Standing ovation.)
@2006 David Virgil Hobbs
Office of the Press Secretary
November 9, 2005
Senator Blather proves truth of his his new doctrine that Jews can go to heaven without being Christian
Hilda Kelly Blather Executive Office Building
Room 667
8:31 A.M. EDT
SENATOR BLATHER-Ah's pleased t'announce, thet although in th' past Ah have declared thet even th' best Jews will suffer th' punishment of burnin' in hell fo' all time when they die, Ah have now decided t'change mah posishun. Af'er discussin' th' matter wif Rabbi Schlemuel an' Pasto' Magoo, mah noo posishun, is thet Jews kin hoof it to hevvin wifout believin' in Christ o' livin' a Christian life (shocked gasps), on account o' God made a special covenant wif them three thousan' years ago. Howevah, Ah still adhar t'th' posishun thet varmints who is not Jews, does not haf enny special covenant wif God, an' will burn in hell fo'evah eff'n they does not become Christian. (scattered applause.) It jest goes t'show th' power of th' special covenant God established wif th' Jews three thousan' years ago--Jews a-gonna to hevvin while non-Christians who is not Jews burn in hell, Ah reckon. It is simply unreasonable, t'dishono' sech a pow'ful covenant. (Mild applause.)
This hyar leads t'th' quesshun, an Ah quote, "What about all the people who are not Jews, who have in their blood, a certain amount of ancestry that comes from the ancient Israelites that God made his powerful covenant with? What happens to them?"
Mah posishun regardin' this hyar matter, as of now, is thet th' matter sh'd be settled through junetic Ah mean genetic testin'. Them who in ancestry is less than two percent Jewish, who does not become Christians, will burn in hell fo'evah, but eff'n their ancestry is mo'e than two percent Jewish, they kin hoof it to hevvin wifout bea-comin' Christians. Howevah, our Church Council is studyin' th' matter, thar is a vote a-comin' up, an' we may decide thet them whose ancestry is less than five percent Jewish hafta become Christians in o'der t'go t' hevvin, while them whose ancestry is mo'e than five percent ancient Israelite does not hafta be Christians t'go t'hevvin. Stay tooned.
Then yo' haf tax an' spend liberals brin'in' up th' quesshun, an' Ah quote, "What about the ancestry of the Jews? The Stanford scientist Cavalli-Sforza says, that the Jews, in ancestry, are half central Palestinian, and half white. Since ancient times, the Jews mixed with the local populations and members of the local populations have become Jewish. How much ancient Israelite ancestry do the Jews have to have, in order to cash in on this special opportunity to go to heaven without being Christian?" Unquote.
Mah response t'these tax an' spend liberals, who c'd well be terro'ists also seein' how they scare Jews by talkin' about Jews a-gonna hell, is thet Cavalli-Sfo'za, is a liberal, an' unner suspicion of bein' a terro'ist, on account o' he is givin' aid an' comfo't t'th' terro'ist inemies of th' Jews. Furthermo'e, th' point is, thet on account o' th' varmints who is now Jews is part of th' Jewish Synagogues thet God made a covenant wif three thousan' years ago, they haf miraculously acquired immunity t' th' go t'hell on account o' yer not Jedtian Ah mean Christian disease. It does not matter whut th' ancestry of th' Jews is, on account o' they is part of th' Synagogues God covenanted wif long ago; howevah it does matter whut th' ancestry of th' varmints who is not Jews is, on account o' they is not part of th' Jewish synagogues. Th' fack thet it does matter whut ancestry th' non-Jews are, but it does not matter whut ancestry th' Jews are, proves thet th' Jews is junetically Ah mean genetically special, chosen varmints. (Applause.)
Th' next liberal slash terro'ist objeckshun is, an' Ah quote, "if such is the case, then it would be better to be a Jew, than to not be a Jew, because if you are a Jew, you can go to heaven if you believe in Christ and also if you do not believe in Christ, but if you are a Christian or some other kind of non-Jew, then you only go to heaven if you believe in Christ" unquote.
Mah response t'sech liberal slash terro'ists is, thet th' more non-Christians join th' Jews th' better, on account o' this hyar increases th' number of genetically special chosen varmints in th' wo'ld. As a patriotic cornservative Christian Ah's proud t'say, thet varmints joinin' th' Jews like this hyar will stren'then America, stren'then cornservativism, an' stren'then th' Jedtian Ah mean Christian Church. (Applause.) This hyar is on account o', th' Jews is admirably cornservative, on account o' they cornsider gentiles t'be subhoomin, an' on account o' their Talmud declares thet Jesus Christ, is corndemned t'boil in excrement fo'evah. Th' idea thet gentiles are hoomin leads t'socialism, terro'ism, an' liberalism, seein' thet th' tax an' spend liberals spend money on gentiles, th' terro'ists is gentiles, an' th' socialists pity th' gentiles. Jesus Christ condemned th' hono'able cornservative rich folks. Non-Christian cornservativism is better fo' Christianity than Christian socialism, on account o', ultimately, Christianity is based on capitalism, dawgone it. (Applause.)
Th' next liberal objeckshun t'mah noo wise cornservative houn'dogma is, an' Ah quote, "if what you are saying is true, then Jews, who consider gentiles to be subhumans who Jews have a moral right to murder, steal from, and lie to, go to heaven, while nice non-Christian people, who are friends of Christendom, and who believe in being kind to gentiles and Christians, and who believe in freedom of religion and civility towards members of all religions, like some of the Deist founding fathers of America, end up in hell" unquote.
These liberals who objeck t'mah cornservative houn'dogmas, is rude varmints, who cornsider cornservative wimmen who is mammys an' the dotters of sech mammies t'be homely an'ugly an' call them dogs. (Applause.) Mah answer t'sech liberal terro'ists, is, basically th' same as mah answer t'th' type of liberal terro'ists Ah soun'ly refuted earlier in this hyar speech. We, th' conservative, white, Christian gentiles, depend upon Jews, we depend upon whut th' liberal terro'ists refer t'as Jewish arrogance, we depend upon th' Jewish hatred of Jedt Ah mean Christ an' th' Jewish scorn of gentiles, on account o' we need a cornservative, tax cuttin', capitalist foun'ashun, which th' Jews he'p t'maintain through their corntempp fo' gentiles, Christianity, an' Christ. Wifout sech a cornservative, tax cuttin', capitalist foun'ashun, we will collapse, an' be destroyed by liberals, terro'ists, an' taxes. (Standing ovation.)
@2006 David Virgil Hobbs
posted by David Virgil at 8:46 AM
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