blather enters race for GOP presidential nomination

Following is the transcript of Senator Blather's August 5, 2015 speech announcing his entry into the race for the republican presidential nomination:

Prelude: ▶ Confederate song - "I Wish I Was In Dixie" - YouTube (play in IE not Chrome)

SENATOR BLATHER: Thankyo' fo' givin' me this hyar oppo'tunity t'announce mah intry into th' race fo' th' nominashun as th' Republican kindidate fo' President.

We need t'be intellyjunt regardin' nashunal economic policy. Ah do not reckon thet th' current administrashun is serious about economic growth. Mah friend said thet we sh'd be corncerned about fo'eigners dumpin' producks, but thet was mah friend sayin' thet not me.

We, t'some extent haf let down our guard. We face a difficult situashun. We sh'd take th' advice of military experts seriously. Ah believe we kin improve our military. An' th' fack thet Chwis Macfools disagrees wif me jest makes me happy.

One of the dawgoned-est difficult decishuns a leader has t'make, is challengin' th' status quo. Hillary Clinton reckons of refo'm as a political inconvenience, but t'us, it is much mo'e than thet, it is a noble crusade.

We kinnot aller ourselves t'be divided by ethnicity o' junder. We is all citizens of th' United States of Amer'ca. As President Ah will unify th'American varmints. These days most folks reckon thet Warshin'ton is not servin' th' interests of th' Amer'can varmints.

Ah was a fella boy scout. Ah's pro wawker.

Our freedom depends on them who put their lives on th' line defendin' us fum our inemies. But th' cost of cheeseburgers is gwine up. We haf th' bess wawkers in th' wo'ld. Our wawkers haf th' strongess wawk ethic. Th' Am'rican wawker sh'd be treated as eff'n he was better than th' fo'eign wawker, on account o' he is better than th' fo'eign wawker. Americ'ns is better lookin' an' smarter than fo'eigners an' they haf a better varmintality. An' employers sh'd remember thet when it comes t'hirin' decishuns.

Thankyo' fo' lettin' me remotely cornneck t'yer webcast. We sh'd be payin' mo'e attenshun t'punishin' depraved indivijools an' less attenshun t'th' faults of fine varmints.

Servin' in th' United States senate has been an interestin' experience fo' me.

Ev'ryone agrees thet we hafta improve th' financial security of our great country. But we kinnot does thet in jest one piece of legislashun.

Ah's a cornservative when it comes t'consteetooshunal issues, an' Ah's a unique kind of republican, as enny fool kin plainly see.

Thar is no doubt thet we need t'use our common sense t'improve our nashun's medical care system, dawgone it. I've been hearin' lotsa republicans talkin' about this. 300 years ago mah gran'Pappy fled persecushun an' to'ture in Englan'. Stan'in' on th' boat, he looked wif hope in th' direckshun of Amer'ca.

Ah's a long stan'in' member of th' United States Nashunal Defense Commisshun. Ev'ry day Ah receive top secret repo'ts nobody else gits regardin' our nashunal security. Mah gran'Pappy was a cowboy on a ranch, an' mah gran'Mammy a circus perfo'mer.

Our nashun has serious problems. We is mighty divided. We is at war aginst typicals, we is at war aginst obese varmints, we is fightin' wif varmints who is homely, we is bein' rude t'homosexuals.

Ah reckon we will hafta improve th' govment of our nashun as we move fo'wards. We is fo'tunate t'have a wonnerful group of min an' wimmen runnin' fo' th' republican nominashun, suppo'ted by an equally excellent republican rank an' file. Its great t'be back in Montana.

Ah's cornvinced thet th' future of Amer'ca will be better than ennythin' Amer'ca has experienced in th' past.

Ah's glad thet this hyar eleckshun is an eleckshun not an auckshun. This hyar is the dawgoned-est impo'tant eleckshun of th' past 100 years. This hyar is about th' future of our great nashun.

When Jeb Bush is co'reck he is co'reck. He's not allways co'reck but when he is co'reck he is co'reck. Ah won't menshun th' can'idates who haf failed t'show up at this hyar convenshun. Th' next president has t'be a right fine dude.

Ah started out life milkin' cows. An' Ah went on t'become a United States senato'.

Ah an' mah feller republican kindidates haf been mighty blessed in life, mo'e blessed than th' vast majo'ity of varmints, on account o' God like us mo'e than he likes varmints. An' so we is a success. Th' varmints who is not as successful as us, is not as loved o' blessed by God as we are. Bein' so blessed, Ah was impo'tant t'mah great state of Texas. When Ah lef' th' govahno''s manshun t'become a senato' th' Texas deficit was only 67.8 million dollars.

We face a long battle ahaid. Whether yer talkin' about Iran o' Iraq o' Syria o' Lebanon o' Arabia o' Yemen o' Jo'dan o' Lebanon, its a long battle. Ah's like th' annoyin' cousin who yo' invite fo' thanksgivin' who shows up early an' then stays fo' too long, acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells! Is yo' sayin' thet Ah's on over th' hill? Nobody sh'd helter-skelter fo' president until they feel they is ready fo' it. Ah was hono'ed when min fell on their knees an' tearfully begged me t'run fo' president. Although Ah's a white fum one of th' browness states, Ah have repeatedly defeated mah political opponents.

911 now seems like yessuhterday. It changed ev'rythin'. Th' day 911 hit us, Ah was visitin' Noo Yawk City. Ah walked th' streets an' smelled th' destruckshun in th' air fust han'. An' so fo' me Al Qaeda an' Al Nusra an' Hezbollah an' Hamas an' Yemen an' Jo'dan an' th' PKK an' th' TFR an' th' YPJ is not abstrack thin's. Had Ah not been in Noo Yawk th' day of th' disaster the matter'd haf been jest an abstrack thing but fo' me it is mo'e than abstrack now. An' alot of varmints were like me so Ah reckon 911 was a fine thin' in a way. A great republican leader, Abraham Lincoln once said, "united we stan', divided we fall".

When yo' set aroun' th' table witcher fambly sometimes yer sister does not agree wif yo'. Likewise when Ah disagree wif mah feller republicans, its not a serious thin' thets a-gonna last fo' long, acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells! Ah's mighty impressed by th' quality of mah feller republicans who is runnin' fo' office. Ev'ry varmint who has spoken at this hyar debate has done a great job, an' all republicans is great guys.

It sarves no useful purpose t'regulate th' behavio' of grate min like Republicans. Th' contribushun of republicans t'the govment sh'd be voluntary, not man'ato'y. Let the Republicans donate t'th' US military, in th' amounts thet they see fit. Attempps t'modify th' behavio' of great min like republicans, kin only lead t'disaster.

Co'po'ashuns is citizens, in fack superio' citizens, on account o' their executives is dedicated t'fiduciary duty an' th' profits of th' co'po'ashun, an' interested in th' global not th' provincial, Ah reckon. So we is happy thet th' Supreme Court has reckanized co'po'ashuns as citizens.